Jon's Testimony

I want to tell you the rest of the story of Sarah's adoption from Jon's point of view.  This is his testimony.

The Lord called me when I was 18 years old. I started to church and was really happy.  Several months later, I came down with appendicitis.  I ended up having to have two surgeries and stayed in the hospital for a good while. Not knowing if I was going to live or die, one night I found the room empty. I decided to pray.

I said, "Lord, if I'm going to die, I'm ready to go. I've got a better home waiting on me anyway.  But, if it's your will to spare me, may I have these things.  Would you send me a wife that would love me and I love her back? Lord, would you give us a good home to raise a family (I had a picture in my mind of the style I'd like).  Lord, would you let my first born child be a son and second be a girl?"

I got better after several months and got my strength back.  I was released with good reports from the doctors. Over time, I forgot about the prayer .

Right after I was saved, the Lord told me that I would marry a ministers daughter but I didn't know when or where.  I also knew she would play the piano for the church.  A couple of years later, after I fully recovered, I had decided to visit my brother at his church.  I was standing at the pulpit and a girl walked in.  The Lord told me that she would be my wife.  I didn't know who she was but I knew I was going to marry her.   Less than two years later, I married they piano - playing preacher's daughter.

About 4 years later, we were expecting our first child and had just bought a house.  We were on our way to find out the gender of the baby.  Holly asked me what I thought the baby would be. At first, I thought it had to be a girl because she was just too moody.  She asked me again a few minutes later and I replied with the same thing.  I wasn't two miles from the house when the Lord asked me if I remembered what I'd prayed that night in the hospital.  I said that I did and he said to expect it. I told Holly it was going to be a boy.  A few months later, we welcomed Dakota Paul into our lives.

When Dakota was born, Holly had some severe issues and I thought I was going to lose my wife and possibly my son.  The Lord sent a brother to anoint her with oil and everything started getting better.  Some time later, we were starting to talk about another child.  In my mind,  I was debating on whether to put Holly through that again or not.  Little did I know, Holly had a fear about having another child biologically.  We both felt like we got a sign that we should adopt.

We debated on whether to adopt internationally or domestically and I felt like we needed to adopt domestically.  We started looking at agencies and found one in Birmingham that interested us. We met with the agency and a few months (and lot of work) later were on a waiting list.

By that time,  I was trying to put this in the Lord's hands and trust that He would take care of it. The struggle for me was seeing the turmoil that the wait was putting on Holly.  Secretly, I struggled as well, but didn't say anything so I could stay strong for her.

After a while of seeing my wife so distressed, I began praying.  I'd pray when I was alone. One day, I was mowing the yard, making my rounds back and fourth in front of the house.  The Lord spoke to me and told me to look at my house.  I looked and just kept mowing.  Again,  a little stronger, I heard, "Look at your house." I looked again and said," Lord, I see it." I kept mowing.  On the third time, I heard, "Stop and look at your house." At this point, I thought something was wrong with the house.  I got off the mower and started looking at the house and questioning what God was trying to show me.  He said, "Do you remember what you asked me laying in the hospital?" I said, "Yes, Lord, I do."  He said, "Did you ask for a wife and didn't I give it? Did you ask for a house and didn't I give it? Did you ask for your firstborn to be a son? All these things have I not given you?" The only question I had was why because I didn't feel worthy.  His words were, "My word is true.  It says in my word, 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and anything that ye shall have need of shall be added unto you.' Does my word stand true?" That was the Lord's way of getting my attention to say to seek Him first and he'd finish it.

This past spring, we put a garden behind our house.  When everyone had left and I was alone, I said, "Lord, I'm trying to do the best I know.  Am I not doing enough? If I'm not,  please show me."  I asked Him once again to help us with this.  We were trying to be strong but it was saddening me to see Holly suffer.  Just a few days later, we were parents again to our beautiful daughter, Sarah.

If our story has taught me anything, it's that faith can move anything.  And it doesn't have to be a lot of faith.  At times, we had no more than a mustard seed.

Introducing...

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but we can finally announce to the world – we are now officially a family of four.  I can now share the story of how we went from three to four.

If you’ve read my previous posts (or if you’ve been affected by adoption), you know that it’s an extremely emotional roller coaster ride.  One minute, you’re hopeful.  The next minute, you question whether it will ever happen.  In late April, I became extremely disheartened.  I asked for a sign and didn’t get it.  In my mind, I was terrified that this was God telling me it wasn’t going to happen.  My nerves were shot.  I cried.   I was downhearted.  I was a wreck.  Jon told me what to do.  He said to write down my prayer on a piece of paper, throw it up in the air and let God have it.  I tried to do this.  It was so hard to let it go, but I began to try to prepare myself for the fact that it might not happen.  In my mind, that was part of letting God have it – being ok with either outcome.  When people would ask about the adoption, I would now say “if” it happens instead of “when.”  It wasn’t that I wasn’t having faith – but rather trying to prepare for the fact that it might not be God’s will.

On Friday, May 1^st, we went to a gospel singing.  I heard a song called “When I Lay My Isaac Down.” The song talked about how Abraham had prayed for Isaac and once Isaac arrived, he had to be willing to sacrifice him.  In the end, it wasn’t Isaac that God wanted, but he wanted Abraham.  He wanted to be put first and once Abraham did that, God provided for him.  When I heard those words, I sat in that church and, again, cried like a baby.  The tears were flowing and there was no stopping them.  I realized in that moment that it wasn’t that God didn’t want to send us a baby.  But I had to be willing to put Him first and be willing for His will.

Two weeks to the day later, we went to a singing at my mother-in-law’s church.  We had gone to the fellowship hall during intermission to grab a bite to eat.  For some reason, while we were there, I looked down at my phone and noticed we’d missed a call.  The area code indicated the same area as our agency so I thought I’d better call it back.  When I did, it was Susan from our agency.  She had a “situation” to tell us about.  Jon and I quickly found my parents for Dakota to stay with and we went outside near our car to talk to her on speaker. 

She began telling us about this baby girl that had been born April 18^th.  She had been born a little early and was still in the NICU. They were expecting her to be released that weekend.  She told us a little about the situation and asked if we were interested.  Of course, we said, “YES!”  It seemed so surreal to me.   We had waited for three years for that call and it was finally happening. She said, “I guess we thought you’d say that because we’ve already got the paperwork ready.”  We were to go home and wait to hear from them the next day.

Needless to say, we left the singing and headed home.  We tried to do work in the house to make sure everything was ready to bring a baby home. 

Now, if you’ve read previous posts, you’ve seen me refer to the name “EJ.” This was because we had “Emma” picked out for a girl and “Jacob” picked out for a boy.  On that Friday night, I asked Jon what if we changed.  I thought about Sarah in the Bible and how she’d had to wait so long to have a baby.  I thought the name, “Sarah” was fitting for her.  We’d talked about that name before and quickly decided that her name was going to be “Sarah Grace” instead of “Emma Grace.”

We got a call from our attorney, Rick, on Saturday saying they were expecting release on Sunday.  He wanted us to wait at home until we heard back from him.  Saturday afternoon, we decided to go out to eat with my parents.  Jon’s birthday was on Sunday and we knew we’d be busy, so we decided to celebrate early.  The whole time, everything still felt so surreal.  Was our wait finally over? Or would this one fall through?

On Sunday morning, we got up and got ready.  We’d realized the city she was in was a little further away than we initially thought so we decided, on faith, to start driving that way. The three of us loaded up in our car and started driving.  Rick called when we were about 20 minutes from home and said the doctor hadn’t been in yet.  We decided to drive on a piece and I could stop by the office and grab my laptop, since I’d likely be out of work for a while.  We did that and then stopped at a Walmart not too far down the road. (Not much else is open that early on Sunday morning.)

Our plans had been to kill time there until we heard from Rick.  When we got through at Walmart, Jon decided to just start driving that way. I questioned whether we should, but Jon said, "Oh ye of little faith." We ended up about 45 minutes to an hour from the hospital at a flea market.  We’d just walked in the flea market when Rick called.  He had talked to the doctor and they were releasing her.  That moment, standing outside a flea market in Warrior, AL, I realized that this was really happening.

We met Rick & Susan at the hospital a little while later.  They went back, made sure they were ready for us, and then five of us (Jon, Dakota, Rick, Susan & I) went back.  We put on our NICU hospital gowns, which brought back memories since Dakota spent a week in the NICU, himself.  The hospital set us up in a little “room” that reminded me of an ICU room – just a little curtained-in room.  They brought out stickers and activity pages for Dakota.  We nervously waited.

We heard a baby cry and they wheeled this beautiful little girl around into our room.  I picked her up from the bed and handed her to her big brother.  In that moment, we became a family of four.  It still felt surreal, but it was oh so real.  We held her for a while and had some bonding time. We signed papers and fed her before getting ready to leave.  Rick and Susan had given her a beautiful outfit that said, “I was worth the wait.” Right before time to eat, I changed her and she peed on it. So, she got to wear her “Little Sister” sleeper home.

After feeding time, the hospital went over discharge papers with us and we put her into the car seat. We walked out of the hospital as she was rolled out on a little baby bed.  We got in the car, pulled out and headed home.

Throughout the next week, reality set in on me.  We were finally here.  The wait was finally over.  We were a family of four.

Dakota is absolutely in love with his baby sister.  He is VERY protective of her.  She absolutely adores him, as well.  I am so thankful they have each other.  I always thought I wanted them closer in age.  That was even one of the things that added to the wait was knowing he was getting older.  In the end, I think they are the perfect number of years apart.

The last four months have been wonderful.  I am so happy to have my family complete. I had wondered how it would be with one biological and one adopted child, but it really isn’t any different, at least as far as how much you love them.  It is hard sometimes keeping up with two, but I am absolutely in love with being a mom of two.  I am no longer waiting for and wondering if my family will ever be complete.

Still praying but no longer hoping & waiting…

Things Happen for a Reason

It’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog.  We have definitely had a lot going on over the past couple of months so I figured it was time to update.

We had somewhat of a failed adoption in early December.  The day after Thanksgiving, I got a call from our lawyer that there was a situation that he was cautiously optimistic about.  However, because DHR was involved (and other legal issues), we needed to meet some people related to this case so we prepared to travel.  Over the weekend, we prepared.  We went out and bought little boy items (because due to the gift I received here, I had mostly girl items), bought the monitor, put together the pack and play, installed the car seat, and made sure the house was ready for a baby.  On Sunday, we met with our lawyer and then traveled to the baby’s location on Monday.  We prayed, we asked others to pray, and we proceeded anxiously.  We met with the birth mom and felt hopeful.  Legally, we should have won the case and brought the baby home.  To make a long story short, things ended up getting very complicated very fast.  It was going to be a long drawn out battle and after discussing with our attorney, we all decided it would be best for us to back out.

I was crushed.  I knew this just meant this wasn't our baby but it still hurt.  It still hurts.  I wonder about him.  What happened to him? Is he OK? Did another couple adopt him or is he still in DHR care? What happened to the birth parents? Were they mad that we backed out?

 

I don’t understand why we had to go through that but someday, I probably will.  Maybe, if nothing else, it reassured us of our love for our agency and it taught me that I truly would be OK with either a boy or girl this time around. I mean, let’s face it, as much as I would love to have a little girl, I do have a boy and know how to take care of one of those.  And I’m not a very girly girl either. Unless you’re showing me a reptile…then, I’m as girly as they come.

You know how they say everything happens for a reason?  Well, in hindsight, had we brought that little boy home, we would have had a rough couple of months.  He wouldn't have been in a normal routine yet.   Less than a week after we backed out of the adoption, my six year old came down with strep throat, which means he would have had to stay away from the baby.  Then, a week and a half later, he came down with the flu.  The baby would've likely been a month old before his big brother could even start spoiling him.

Then, came the big kicker.  Dakota's flu diagnosis was the Sunday before Christmas.  Two days later, I began not feeling too well.  I assumed I was likely coming down with the flu as well.  That night, I started hurting but attributed it to endometriosis.  Christmas Eve came and I felt miserable all day.  I was just very uncomfortable throughout my abdomen.  Although I did research on appendicitis and knew it was a possibility, I wasn't doing like most people.  I wasn't throwing up, bent over in pain, etc.  So I thought maybe it was gas pains and went on.  I didn't want to go to the ER on Christmas Eve and mess up Christmas for my son.  Christmas Day arrived and I was still miserable.  Dakota enjoyed his gifts from Santa and from us.  We then went to my parents for our annual Christmas morning breakfast and gifts.  It was all I could do to eat a few bites and I got through the gift opening but I was still miserable.   Finally, after everything was done, I sat down in their recliner and watched as Dakota played with his new toys.  I realized I couldn't even enjoy my son on Christmas Day and there was no way I could work the following day feeling this.  I called my family doctor (who was on call) and after a lot of questioning, finally said I needed to go to the ER just to make sure it wasn't appendicitis. 

Now, let me explain something.  I get sick probably 3 or 4 times a year with sinusitis but that’s about it.  I have never (since I've been old enough to remember) been to the ER for myself.  This was a first for me.  They got me back quickly and after blood work, xrays, and a CT scan, discovered that I did in fact have appendicitis.  I told Jon I must have been bad for Santa to bring me that. I had surgery on Christmas night.  From there, things actually got worse before getting better.  Five and a half weeks and 3 additional hospital visits later, I finally feel like maybe I’m on the road to recovery. 

Remember how I said everything happens for a reason? Well, imagine if during all this time, I’d had a newborn.  I couldn't even take care of myself part of the time, much less another human.  Thank God for my parents and my husband during this time, but what if they’d had a newborn to take care of as well?  It saddens me to think of how that baby wouldn't have gotten the attention that he deserved during those few weeks.

I have to convince myself that God knew what was ahead for us and knew that we wouldn't be able to care for a baby very well during that time.  I still question things – like why couldn't we take that little boy home and me NOT get sick?  However, I know that little boy wasn't our son.  And most likely, that realization will make it so much sweeter once our son or daughter does arrive.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

A Peaceful Reminder

In February, it will be 3 years since we first decided to pursue adoption.  I remember before then, I would think about having another child (we’d always wanted more than one) and I’d feel a burden.  I would have such a load. Would I have the same health issues I had before?  Would everything be different or would I not survive the next round and leave Dakota without a mom? Once we decided to adopt, I felt peace in our decision and the burden left.  I always felt like that was my sign that this was the right journey for us.

Over the past few months, I have questioned myself.  Maybe that person that said “I've seen bad experiences…I don’t feel right about this” was right.  Maybe we weren't supposed to adopt.  Maybe that’s why it’s taking so long.  I was questioning everything and then, I would get sad, maybe even in tears, because I was questioning.

About two months ago, an opportunity came open at work.  I felt like the job was a perfect fit for me and my background.  However, I tried to not pray to get the job, but instead to pray for things to work out the way they should.  I didn't get the job.

About two weeks later, I was approached about another position in our company.  It was something completely new for me – I've never done anything quite like it before.  It was exciting to think something might work out.  However, as the adversary is so good at presenting, confusion would follow.

Suddenly, the position I had applied for two weeks prior had another potential opening and I heard through the rumor mill that I might be considered. I found myself debating between the two.  At the time, I felt like I knew what I wanted and what fit me more, but I was tormented over what to do.  One night, I woke up every hour or so worrying about how this would work out and even woke up the next morning in tears.  Something had to give. 

When something doesn't feel just right, I've heard before that someone “didn't get the warm and fuzzies.”  Well, later that same day, I spoke to someone about the original position I had applied for and I didn't get those “warm and fuzzies.”  Before I went home that day, I made the decision that I should stop worrying about what might happen there and focus on this new opportunity that had come up.  Well, all of a sudden (within a few short hours), I had peace.  In my heart, I knew this was the right decision because the worry and fear I’d had for a week before melted away.  I was at peace.

I officially accepted the new position last Friday.  I am supposed to start this new adventure on October 20th. I honestly feel like God has worked this out for me.  It will definitely be something new for me and the unknown is a little scary, but I feel like this is where I’m supposed to be.  

 

So, what does this have to do with the adoption process? Well, last Thursday night at church, I was thinking about how it seemed like this was all working out and I realized something.  The peace that I felt when I decided that I needed to pursue this opportunity was the SAME PEACE I felt almost 3 years ago when we made the decision to adopt.  

Sometimes, we question things.  Maybe God has given us His answer, but when it doesn't happen right away, we start questioning Him.  Maybe we didn't hear His answer right.  Maybe we were mistaken.  This was a reminder to me that this is the path that we are supposed to be on and that it will happen in God’s time.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

A Quick Thank You

I read a blog post today discussing how different adoption is from pregnancy.   I cannot even explain how accurate that is.  Believe me – I've been on the pregnancy path (although somewhat unconventional) and now I’m on the adoption path.  While there may be similarities, things are tremendously different.

When you’re pregnant, it’s usually obvious.  Everyone makes a big deal about it – even people you don’t know.  There’s classes to prepare you for childbirth, there’s friends who share in your excitement, and there’s a normal path that everything follows, from the number of months you carry (again, unconventional for me) to at what point you find out the gender and even to the process of the baby being born.  Oh and let’s not forget, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

When you’re on the adoption journey, there’s no big belly for everyone (even strangers) to touch.  There’s no baby inside you to feel kick, turn somersaults, or get hiccups.  There’s no end in sight.  You’re simply waiting.  You feel alone – like none of your friends or family truly understands the ups and downs you’re feeling, because, quite frankly, most of them don’t. Some of them may even think adoption is the "easy" way - I mean, no labor pains, right? (I'm sure some of my adoption friends either groaned or laughed out loud at that one.)

However, there was one comment in the post that I didn't quite believe was true for me – that no one was there to hold your hand and support you when you felt like it was never going to happen.  While there are many people that have asked how our journey is going and I believe do really care, there are a few people that I feel holding me up – that are holding my hand through this process and give me strength on those days where I wonder if it’s ever going to happen.

So to those people – specifically, my husband, my son (who can cheer me up by just mentioning his brother or sister – or as he says brother-sister), my best friend, and my parents – I want to say thank you.  Thank you for being my hand to hold and my support.  I love you all!

Still waiting, hoping, and praying.

No News is Good News (Hopefully)

This won't be a very long post but I wanted to give a quick update since its been a while since I've written.

We have basically had absolutely no news for a few months now.  And guess what - I'm not completely a nervous wreck! Praise the Lord for calmness and peace!

We've had revival at our church this week and have had really good services over the past month or so.  It's amazing what a little spiritual reviving can do for you when your going through something like an adoption wait. My mind is no longer 100% focused on when we will get the call.  I still think about it quite often, but it's not at the forefront of my mind all the time.  And that helps tremendously.  I was about to drive myself crazy for a while.  Like I said, praise the Lord for peace!

It is so very true that God's timing is not our timing.  And that's because He sees the whole puzzle while we are just seeing piece by piece and what's already put together.  We can't see the end result so we don't always know what's best - but He can and He does.

Another benefit to having more peace about this is that it doesn't drive me crazy when people ask have we heard anything.  I can honestly say no and not get terribly discouraged about it.  They told us it could be 3 years and we are not there yet.  When the time comes for our baby to arrive, it will.  Until then, all we can do is keep waiting and try to focus on other things around us.

Still waiting, hoping and praying...

(Non)Update and a Beach Trip

Time for an update! Although can you really call it an update when you have nothing to update?

This has been one of the longest and most intense emotional roller coasters I’ve ever been on.  You have the peaks at the top of the hill, the very low valleys that sometimes feel like reach much faster than you reached the top, twists, turns, and even a few loopty loops.  It’s a real roller coaster only with your emotions.  Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good roller coaster.  However, it is much different when your body is making those peaks, valleys, twists, turns, and loops than when it’s your emotions.  Oh and two minutes is a little different than 2 years also. Give me the two minutes of throwing my body around a steel track anyday!

We did finally decide to get away as a family for a few days (and took my best friend's family along with us).  We took Memorial Day weekend and went to the beach.  LONG OVERDUE! I hadn’t been to the beach since a few weeks after I found out I was expecting Dakota.  This was Dakota’s first time to see the beach and feel sand and ocean water between his toes.  He loved it!

I’m including some pictures below of our trip.  Hope you enjoy!

As I said, this was Dakota's first time in the water.  He LOVED it! Please ignore my redneck husband's camo on in the water...

Dakota loved throwing the sand. 

This poor child has trouble taking pictures...He'll smile but before you can click the button to snap the picture, he'll look away.

If you look closely behind this picture, you'll see a fin.  It's a dolphin fin.  This place had more dolphins than I'd ever seen from a beach.  I had a blast watching them.

I just have to show this....me and my friend both looked like Casper out on the beach.  There were some bright white legs on that beach!

So before you judge me on the picture below, let me just say - I am no longer a fan of spray on sunscreen.  We were at the beach maybe 3 hours that morning.  I sprayed sunsreen on him before we left to go and once while we were there.   My poor baby got sunburned so badly on his back.  Needless to say, I went out that afternoon and bought him some suncreen lotion/cream and SLATHERED him in it the next day. 

Jon caught his first ocean fish from standing on the beach.  My little outdoorsmen was so happy!

On Sunday, we visited Fort Morgan.  It was cool for the boys to get to see a "REAL FORT!"

And of course, what trip is complete without go carts?  There's not too many go carts that little man is big enough to drive, but he had fun on this one!

Getting away was a good break for me.  It gave me a chance to clear my head a bit (at least for the weekend) and for a few days, every waking moment wasn't spent wondering when our baby would arrive.   This was definitely one of the most needed vacations I have ever taken.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying...