A Year Later...

Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of the day we got the call that changed our lives.  Tuesday will make one year ago that Sarah came home.  In one way, it seems so fast while in another, it seems like she's been with us for years.

I've thought a lot this week about where we were a year ago.  At this time a year ago, we were still a family of three. We didn't know if or when we'd ever be a family of four. I imagine our plans for the upcoming weekend included celebrating Jon's 32nd birthday, attending a gospel singing on Friday night and who knows what else. We had no idea what was in store.

We went to the singing on Friday night not knowing that before we left, we would receive the call that would change our lives forever.  I still get teary eyed just thinking about how with that one phone call, three years of waiting, praying, hoping, crying, questioning, and wondering came to an end.   Well, let's me honest - the crying was far from over but now it's happy tears.

I remember standing in that church parking lot and listening to Susan tell us all about this little girl.  I remember feeling like it wasn't really happening.  I think sometimes when you've waited for something so long, it's hard to believe it when it finally does happen.

Sunday morning, May 17th, we were supposed to wait for a call to leave home but we couldn't wait and finally started out on faith.  We stopped at a tool shop somewhere on the way, but realized we didn't have cell phone service so left pretty quickly.  We finally stopped at a flea market and about as soon as we walked in the door, my phone rang.  It was Rick, our attorney, telling us that she was being released from the hospital and we could take her home.

After killing a little time at the flea market, we met Rick and Susan at the hospital. Before we were introduced to her, they dressed her with an outfit that said, "I was worth the wait." Oh how true that was.  We dressed in the all too familiar NICU attire and prepared to meet our daughter.  Susan took pictures for us as we met this precious little girl.  Those pictures are treasures to me.  I'm so thankful to be able to see our faces as we saw our daughter for the first time.

Those first few days felt so surreal. Now, a year later, my heart is still so happy. I'm finally content and feel complete.  I can't explain the feeling of having us all together.  Completeness is the closest I can come.

To those still waiting, please remember that you never know when your call will come.  There were times I was ready to give up.  I convinced myself that God wasn't going to give me the desire of my heart.  After 3 years, it felt almost too hard to keep going.

Have you seen the picture floating around Facebook of the men digging for treasure and the one guy gives up right before he gets to the treasure? If we would have given up, that would've been us.  We were so close - we just couldn't see it.

I think everyone who has adopted and had to wait a long time will tell you it was worth the wait.  That isn't downplaying the wait.  It's hard. I still say that was one of the hardest things in my life.  But on May 17, 2015, every single day became worth it. That's not an exaggeration or figure of speech.  It's the truth.

Letter to Me Four Years Ago

Four years ago today is when I consider we officially began our adoption journey.  We met with our agency for the first time and decided that was the path and agency we would follow.  In honor of that anniversary, I decided to write a letter to myself....here's what I would tell myself if I could send a note to me four years ago.

Dear Holly (Feb 2012):

Right now, you are excited.  You and Jon have just made the decision to grow your family by adoption.  You feel relief that you won't have to risk your life to grow your family.  You feel excitement.  You feel hopeful.  You feel motivated.  You are ready to tackle this home study full force and grow your family.

Let me warn you - you have no idea what you are about to begin.  While the home study seems daunting and never ending, it's the easy part.  In all honesty, that entire first year is the easy part.  They're going to tell you that the wait will be two to three years and you'll be hopeful that they are exaggerating to keep you from getting your hopes up.  You'll think surely it will happen sooner.  Trust me - it won't.

The next three years will be the hardest of your life.   Everything you've been through leading up to this point will seem like a breeze.  This will be the hardest trial of your life.  You will question everything.  You'll want to give up at times and will think its never going to happen.

There will come a point (because it's taken so long) that you will have to update your home study.  The home study that seems so doable and that you're so motivated to finish now will seem so much harder.  You'll think it's pointless and almost (just almost) decide not to do it.  Again, trust me.  Just do it.

Baby showers and pregnancy announcements will be the hardest.  You'll find it's often hard to be happy for others because you wonder why it couldn't be you.  You'll find that someone pregnant with their first doesn't seem to bother you as much as seconds, thirds, fourths, etc.  You'll have to learn to hold back emotions and do a lot of pretending.  I know you're not good at that, but you'll have to try.

You'll meet a birthmom that you think is your child's birthmom.  It won't go as planned and you'll be crushed.  Trust me.  That wasn't your baby.

A little over 3 years from now, you'll hit your lowest low.  You'll think its never going to happen.  You'll decide that God doesn't want you to have your heart's desire and you'll try to get willing for His will.  Hold on and don't give up just yet.

May 15, 2015, will be the day you have been waiting on every single day between now and then.  You'll get the call that you have a daughter.  May 17th, you will meet her.

Let me tell you, Holly.  Every single heartache, trial and worry will be completely worth it.  You'll realize that it was all leading you to the perfect child to complete your family.  She'll almost worship Dakota and he will her.  She'll be a Daddy's girl at times and Mommy's baby at times.  You'll watch her sleep and look back at the times you were so heartbroken and know every single day of waiting was worth it. 

Prepare yourself.  It will be a hard road and you'll be stronger on the other side.  You'll feel like giving up but don't.  Because the me that's writing to you now watching your daughter sleep while Jon and Dakota are talking in the next room knows her heart is full and it's all completely worth it.

Love,

Holly (Feb 2016)

PS. You'll decide that Emma (the name you've had picked out for a girl since before Dakota was born) is not her name.  Instead, you'll name her Sarah after Sarah in the Bible.

Unanswered Prayers

One year ago today, we got up on a Monday morning and headed south.  I had received a call on Black Friday about a baby that was already born and in foster care.  The birthmom had originally picked another family, but decided she didn’t like them and ended up going to our agency and picking us. 

We drove the long drive that morning, found our way around the city, and met with the guardian ad litem that had been assigned for the baby.  Later that day, we were able to meet with the birthmom.  We talked a little about ourselves and Dakota and she explained to us why she'd picked us.

We found a nice hotel that night.  Thank goodness my parents were taking care of Dakota, since he was in school at that time.  We ate supper at Taco Bell and then went back to our hotel and settled in for the night.  To say it was an awkward night is an understatement.

On Tuesday morning, we headed to court, only to find that it had been postponed.   We killed time until later that afternoon when we went to court.  We were there, along with the other couple (that she’d originally picked), a social worker, the birthparents, and the guardian ad litem.  During that court hearing, the birthmother made it very clear that she wanted us to adopt the child; however, the judge refused to rule on custody and instead decided to leave the child in foster care.  I left that day so heartbroken.  

We walked out of the courtroom and I broke down and cried.  Our attorney walked over and put his arms around me and just hugged me for a moment. Rick and Susan were absolutely wonderful during that time and I doubt I will ever forget them being there for us when we needed someone so badly.  We walked to our car and drove home with an empty car seat in the back.

The next few days were filled with turmoil.  We were still hopeful that we would eventually bring this little boy home; however, as the days progressed, we soon realized that this case was going to be much more complicated than we were prepared to deal with.  Although we had prayed and prayed for this little boy to come home with us, we came to the conclusion, along with our attorney, that this was not our son and decided to no longer proceed with the case.

My heart hurt.  I did not understand why this had happened.  Why had God sent us to this baby and not allowed us to bring him home? Couldn’t He have just allowed this not to happen? Why did we even have to know about this baby?  Why did we have to get our hopes up only to be crushed? 

As much as it hurt, we did truly believe that this was not our son. I had peace knowing this wasn’t our son, but I still didn’t understand why this happened.  I still can’t completely tell you why it happened, but, if for nothing else, it made me more thankful later down the road.

Garth Brooks had a song several years ago called “Unanswered Prayers.”  It said:

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.

Remember when you’re talking to the man upstairs

That just because He doesn’t answer doesn’t mean He don’t care. 

Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

I’m not sure that prayers ever actually go unanswered.  I’ve heard before that God answers every prayer you pray.  Sometimes, His answer is yes.  Sometimes, His answer is no.  And sometimes, His answer may be “not yet.”  Today, one year in the future, I am thankful that His answer last December was “not yet.” Had He answered that prayer, we wouldn’t have our precious baby girl today.  Sarah wouldn’t be a member of our family and she is the perfect addition to our family.

If you are still waiting or have gone through a failed adoption, I want to encourage you to hang on.  It is so hard to believe things are working out for the best when you're in the middle of a storm.  But sometimes, God’s greatest gifts come in the rainbow after the storm.

Jon's Testimony

I want to tell you the rest of the story of Sarah's adoption from Jon's point of view.  This is his testimony.

The Lord called me when I was 18 years old. I started to church and was really happy.  Several months later, I came down with appendicitis.  I ended up having to have two surgeries and stayed in the hospital for a good while. Not knowing if I was going to live or die, one night I found the room empty. I decided to pray.

I said, "Lord, if I'm going to die, I'm ready to go. I've got a better home waiting on me anyway.  But, if it's your will to spare me, may I have these things.  Would you send me a wife that would love me and I love her back? Lord, would you give us a good home to raise a family (I had a picture in my mind of the style I'd like).  Lord, would you let my first born child be a son and second be a girl?"

I got better after several months and got my strength back.  I was released with good reports from the doctors. Over time, I forgot about the prayer .

Right after I was saved, the Lord told me that I would marry a ministers daughter but I didn't know when or where.  I also knew she would play the piano for the church.  A couple of years later, after I fully recovered, I had decided to visit my brother at his church.  I was standing at the pulpit and a girl walked in.  The Lord told me that she would be my wife.  I didn't know who she was but I knew I was going to marry her.   Less than two years later, I married they piano - playing preacher's daughter.

About 4 years later, we were expecting our first child and had just bought a house.  We were on our way to find out the gender of the baby.  Holly asked me what I thought the baby would be. At first, I thought it had to be a girl because she was just too moody.  She asked me again a few minutes later and I replied with the same thing.  I wasn't two miles from the house when the Lord asked me if I remembered what I'd prayed that night in the hospital.  I said that I did and he said to expect it. I told Holly it was going to be a boy.  A few months later, we welcomed Dakota Paul into our lives.

When Dakota was born, Holly had some severe issues and I thought I was going to lose my wife and possibly my son.  The Lord sent a brother to anoint her with oil and everything started getting better.  Some time later, we were starting to talk about another child.  In my mind,  I was debating on whether to put Holly through that again or not.  Little did I know, Holly had a fear about having another child biologically.  We both felt like we got a sign that we should adopt.

We debated on whether to adopt internationally or domestically and I felt like we needed to adopt domestically.  We started looking at agencies and found one in Birmingham that interested us. We met with the agency and a few months (and lot of work) later were on a waiting list.

By that time,  I was trying to put this in the Lord's hands and trust that He would take care of it. The struggle for me was seeing the turmoil that the wait was putting on Holly.  Secretly, I struggled as well, but didn't say anything so I could stay strong for her.

After a while of seeing my wife so distressed, I began praying.  I'd pray when I was alone. One day, I was mowing the yard, making my rounds back and fourth in front of the house.  The Lord spoke to me and told me to look at my house.  I looked and just kept mowing.  Again,  a little stronger, I heard, "Look at your house." I looked again and said," Lord, I see it." I kept mowing.  On the third time, I heard, "Stop and look at your house." At this point, I thought something was wrong with the house.  I got off the mower and started looking at the house and questioning what God was trying to show me.  He said, "Do you remember what you asked me laying in the hospital?" I said, "Yes, Lord, I do."  He said, "Did you ask for a wife and didn't I give it? Did you ask for a house and didn't I give it? Did you ask for your firstborn to be a son? All these things have I not given you?" The only question I had was why because I didn't feel worthy.  His words were, "My word is true.  It says in my word, 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and anything that ye shall have need of shall be added unto you.' Does my word stand true?" That was the Lord's way of getting my attention to say to seek Him first and he'd finish it.

This past spring, we put a garden behind our house.  When everyone had left and I was alone, I said, "Lord, I'm trying to do the best I know.  Am I not doing enough? If I'm not,  please show me."  I asked Him once again to help us with this.  We were trying to be strong but it was saddening me to see Holly suffer.  Just a few days later, we were parents again to our beautiful daughter, Sarah.

If our story has taught me anything, it's that faith can move anything.  And it doesn't have to be a lot of faith.  At times, we had no more than a mustard seed.

Introducing...

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but we can finally announce to the world – we are now officially a family of four.  I can now share the story of how we went from three to four.

If you’ve read my previous posts (or if you’ve been affected by adoption), you know that it’s an extremely emotional roller coaster ride.  One minute, you’re hopeful.  The next minute, you question whether it will ever happen.  In late April, I became extremely disheartened.  I asked for a sign and didn’t get it.  In my mind, I was terrified that this was God telling me it wasn’t going to happen.  My nerves were shot.  I cried.   I was downhearted.  I was a wreck.  Jon told me what to do.  He said to write down my prayer on a piece of paper, throw it up in the air and let God have it.  I tried to do this.  It was so hard to let it go, but I began to try to prepare myself for the fact that it might not happen.  In my mind, that was part of letting God have it – being ok with either outcome.  When people would ask about the adoption, I would now say “if” it happens instead of “when.”  It wasn’t that I wasn’t having faith – but rather trying to prepare for the fact that it might not be God’s will.

On Friday, May 1^st, we went to a gospel singing.  I heard a song called “When I Lay My Isaac Down.” The song talked about how Abraham had prayed for Isaac and once Isaac arrived, he had to be willing to sacrifice him.  In the end, it wasn’t Isaac that God wanted, but he wanted Abraham.  He wanted to be put first and once Abraham did that, God provided for him.  When I heard those words, I sat in that church and, again, cried like a baby.  The tears were flowing and there was no stopping them.  I realized in that moment that it wasn’t that God didn’t want to send us a baby.  But I had to be willing to put Him first and be willing for His will.

Two weeks to the day later, we went to a singing at my mother-in-law’s church.  We had gone to the fellowship hall during intermission to grab a bite to eat.  For some reason, while we were there, I looked down at my phone and noticed we’d missed a call.  The area code indicated the same area as our agency so I thought I’d better call it back.  When I did, it was Susan from our agency.  She had a “situation” to tell us about.  Jon and I quickly found my parents for Dakota to stay with and we went outside near our car to talk to her on speaker. 

She began telling us about this baby girl that had been born April 18^th.  She had been born a little early and was still in the NICU. They were expecting her to be released that weekend.  She told us a little about the situation and asked if we were interested.  Of course, we said, “YES!”  It seemed so surreal to me.   We had waited for three years for that call and it was finally happening. She said, “I guess we thought you’d say that because we’ve already got the paperwork ready.”  We were to go home and wait to hear from them the next day.

Needless to say, we left the singing and headed home.  We tried to do work in the house to make sure everything was ready to bring a baby home. 

Now, if you’ve read previous posts, you’ve seen me refer to the name “EJ.” This was because we had “Emma” picked out for a girl and “Jacob” picked out for a boy.  On that Friday night, I asked Jon what if we changed.  I thought about Sarah in the Bible and how she’d had to wait so long to have a baby.  I thought the name, “Sarah” was fitting for her.  We’d talked about that name before and quickly decided that her name was going to be “Sarah Grace” instead of “Emma Grace.”

We got a call from our attorney, Rick, on Saturday saying they were expecting release on Sunday.  He wanted us to wait at home until we heard back from him.  Saturday afternoon, we decided to go out to eat with my parents.  Jon’s birthday was on Sunday and we knew we’d be busy, so we decided to celebrate early.  The whole time, everything still felt so surreal.  Was our wait finally over? Or would this one fall through?

On Sunday morning, we got up and got ready.  We’d realized the city she was in was a little further away than we initially thought so we decided, on faith, to start driving that way. The three of us loaded up in our car and started driving.  Rick called when we were about 20 minutes from home and said the doctor hadn’t been in yet.  We decided to drive on a piece and I could stop by the office and grab my laptop, since I’d likely be out of work for a while.  We did that and then stopped at a Walmart not too far down the road. (Not much else is open that early on Sunday morning.)

Our plans had been to kill time there until we heard from Rick.  When we got through at Walmart, Jon decided to just start driving that way. I questioned whether we should, but Jon said, "Oh ye of little faith." We ended up about 45 minutes to an hour from the hospital at a flea market.  We’d just walked in the flea market when Rick called.  He had talked to the doctor and they were releasing her.  That moment, standing outside a flea market in Warrior, AL, I realized that this was really happening.

We met Rick & Susan at the hospital a little while later.  They went back, made sure they were ready for us, and then five of us (Jon, Dakota, Rick, Susan & I) went back.  We put on our NICU hospital gowns, which brought back memories since Dakota spent a week in the NICU, himself.  The hospital set us up in a little “room” that reminded me of an ICU room – just a little curtained-in room.  They brought out stickers and activity pages for Dakota.  We nervously waited.

We heard a baby cry and they wheeled this beautiful little girl around into our room.  I picked her up from the bed and handed her to her big brother.  In that moment, we became a family of four.  It still felt surreal, but it was oh so real.  We held her for a while and had some bonding time. We signed papers and fed her before getting ready to leave.  Rick and Susan had given her a beautiful outfit that said, “I was worth the wait.” Right before time to eat, I changed her and she peed on it. So, she got to wear her “Little Sister” sleeper home.

After feeding time, the hospital went over discharge papers with us and we put her into the car seat. We walked out of the hospital as she was rolled out on a little baby bed.  We got in the car, pulled out and headed home.

Throughout the next week, reality set in on me.  We were finally here.  The wait was finally over.  We were a family of four.

Dakota is absolutely in love with his baby sister.  He is VERY protective of her.  She absolutely adores him, as well.  I am so thankful they have each other.  I always thought I wanted them closer in age.  That was even one of the things that added to the wait was knowing he was getting older.  In the end, I think they are the perfect number of years apart.

The last four months have been wonderful.  I am so happy to have my family complete. I had wondered how it would be with one biological and one adopted child, but it really isn’t any different, at least as far as how much you love them.  It is hard sometimes keeping up with two, but I am absolutely in love with being a mom of two.  I am no longer waiting for and wondering if my family will ever be complete.

Still praying but no longer hoping & waiting…

Things Happen for a Reason

It’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog.  We have definitely had a lot going on over the past couple of months so I figured it was time to update.

We had somewhat of a failed adoption in early December.  The day after Thanksgiving, I got a call from our lawyer that there was a situation that he was cautiously optimistic about.  However, because DHR was involved (and other legal issues), we needed to meet some people related to this case so we prepared to travel.  Over the weekend, we prepared.  We went out and bought little boy items (because due to the gift I received here, I had mostly girl items), bought the monitor, put together the pack and play, installed the car seat, and made sure the house was ready for a baby.  On Sunday, we met with our lawyer and then traveled to the baby’s location on Monday.  We prayed, we asked others to pray, and we proceeded anxiously.  We met with the birth mom and felt hopeful.  Legally, we should have won the case and brought the baby home.  To make a long story short, things ended up getting very complicated very fast.  It was going to be a long drawn out battle and after discussing with our attorney, we all decided it would be best for us to back out.

I was crushed.  I knew this just meant this wasn't our baby but it still hurt.  It still hurts.  I wonder about him.  What happened to him? Is he OK? Did another couple adopt him or is he still in DHR care? What happened to the birth parents? Were they mad that we backed out?

 

I don’t understand why we had to go through that but someday, I probably will.  Maybe, if nothing else, it reassured us of our love for our agency and it taught me that I truly would be OK with either a boy or girl this time around. I mean, let’s face it, as much as I would love to have a little girl, I do have a boy and know how to take care of one of those.  And I’m not a very girly girl either. Unless you’re showing me a reptile…then, I’m as girly as they come.

You know how they say everything happens for a reason?  Well, in hindsight, had we brought that little boy home, we would have had a rough couple of months.  He wouldn't have been in a normal routine yet.   Less than a week after we backed out of the adoption, my six year old came down with strep throat, which means he would have had to stay away from the baby.  Then, a week and a half later, he came down with the flu.  The baby would've likely been a month old before his big brother could even start spoiling him.

Then, came the big kicker.  Dakota's flu diagnosis was the Sunday before Christmas.  Two days later, I began not feeling too well.  I assumed I was likely coming down with the flu as well.  That night, I started hurting but attributed it to endometriosis.  Christmas Eve came and I felt miserable all day.  I was just very uncomfortable throughout my abdomen.  Although I did research on appendicitis and knew it was a possibility, I wasn't doing like most people.  I wasn't throwing up, bent over in pain, etc.  So I thought maybe it was gas pains and went on.  I didn't want to go to the ER on Christmas Eve and mess up Christmas for my son.  Christmas Day arrived and I was still miserable.  Dakota enjoyed his gifts from Santa and from us.  We then went to my parents for our annual Christmas morning breakfast and gifts.  It was all I could do to eat a few bites and I got through the gift opening but I was still miserable.   Finally, after everything was done, I sat down in their recliner and watched as Dakota played with his new toys.  I realized I couldn't even enjoy my son on Christmas Day and there was no way I could work the following day feeling this.  I called my family doctor (who was on call) and after a lot of questioning, finally said I needed to go to the ER just to make sure it wasn't appendicitis. 

Now, let me explain something.  I get sick probably 3 or 4 times a year with sinusitis but that’s about it.  I have never (since I've been old enough to remember) been to the ER for myself.  This was a first for me.  They got me back quickly and after blood work, xrays, and a CT scan, discovered that I did in fact have appendicitis.  I told Jon I must have been bad for Santa to bring me that. I had surgery on Christmas night.  From there, things actually got worse before getting better.  Five and a half weeks and 3 additional hospital visits later, I finally feel like maybe I’m on the road to recovery. 

Remember how I said everything happens for a reason? Well, imagine if during all this time, I’d had a newborn.  I couldn't even take care of myself part of the time, much less another human.  Thank God for my parents and my husband during this time, but what if they’d had a newborn to take care of as well?  It saddens me to think of how that baby wouldn't have gotten the attention that he deserved during those few weeks.

I have to convince myself that God knew what was ahead for us and knew that we wouldn't be able to care for a baby very well during that time.  I still question things – like why couldn't we take that little boy home and me NOT get sick?  However, I know that little boy wasn't our son.  And most likely, that realization will make it so much sweeter once our son or daughter does arrive.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

A Peaceful Reminder

In February, it will be 3 years since we first decided to pursue adoption.  I remember before then, I would think about having another child (we’d always wanted more than one) and I’d feel a burden.  I would have such a load. Would I have the same health issues I had before?  Would everything be different or would I not survive the next round and leave Dakota without a mom? Once we decided to adopt, I felt peace in our decision and the burden left.  I always felt like that was my sign that this was the right journey for us.

Over the past few months, I have questioned myself.  Maybe that person that said “I've seen bad experiences…I don’t feel right about this” was right.  Maybe we weren't supposed to adopt.  Maybe that’s why it’s taking so long.  I was questioning everything and then, I would get sad, maybe even in tears, because I was questioning.

About two months ago, an opportunity came open at work.  I felt like the job was a perfect fit for me and my background.  However, I tried to not pray to get the job, but instead to pray for things to work out the way they should.  I didn't get the job.

About two weeks later, I was approached about another position in our company.  It was something completely new for me – I've never done anything quite like it before.  It was exciting to think something might work out.  However, as the adversary is so good at presenting, confusion would follow.

Suddenly, the position I had applied for two weeks prior had another potential opening and I heard through the rumor mill that I might be considered. I found myself debating between the two.  At the time, I felt like I knew what I wanted and what fit me more, but I was tormented over what to do.  One night, I woke up every hour or so worrying about how this would work out and even woke up the next morning in tears.  Something had to give. 

When something doesn't feel just right, I've heard before that someone “didn't get the warm and fuzzies.”  Well, later that same day, I spoke to someone about the original position I had applied for and I didn't get those “warm and fuzzies.”  Before I went home that day, I made the decision that I should stop worrying about what might happen there and focus on this new opportunity that had come up.  Well, all of a sudden (within a few short hours), I had peace.  In my heart, I knew this was the right decision because the worry and fear I’d had for a week before melted away.  I was at peace.

I officially accepted the new position last Friday.  I am supposed to start this new adventure on October 20th. I honestly feel like God has worked this out for me.  It will definitely be something new for me and the unknown is a little scary, but I feel like this is where I’m supposed to be.  

 

So, what does this have to do with the adoption process? Well, last Thursday night at church, I was thinking about how it seemed like this was all working out and I realized something.  The peace that I felt when I decided that I needed to pursue this opportunity was the SAME PEACE I felt almost 3 years ago when we made the decision to adopt.  

Sometimes, we question things.  Maybe God has given us His answer, but when it doesn't happen right away, we start questioning Him.  Maybe we didn't hear His answer right.  Maybe we were mistaken.  This was a reminder to me that this is the path that we are supposed to be on and that it will happen in God’s time.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

Helping Each Other

Just over a year ago, our family was struck with the dreaded "c" word.  My dad found out he had an aggressive form of prostate cancer. Regardless of how treatable they say the disease is, when they tell someone you love that they have cancer, its scary.  The day we found out, we were so upset.  I tried to be strong for my mom but I remember coming home to get something and talking with my friend, Stephanie, and just feeling like I could finally talk about how scared I was. 

Shortly after hearing the news, our insurance agent had just so happened to ask how he was doing and I'd told her what we'd been told.  Before I got home that day, he had already gotten a phone call from her pastor.  He had been there.  He had just had surgery for prostate cancer.  He was able to help dad through his battle.

Today, on the way home from work, Dad called the man to check on him.  You see, a few months ago, this brother found out that his cancer had returned.  This time, this man had to have radiation.  Now, Dad was able to be there for him.  He can talk to him from a "been there, done that" stand point.  I started thinking of how weird (for lack of a better word) it was that the circle had come full force.  He was first able to be an ear for Dad and now Dad's able to be an ear for him.  I'm sure it has to help each of them to have someone who's actually been through it.

I remember about two weeks ago when I was so discouraged.  I sat in our church and looked around thinking "There is NO ONE who understands this.  Not a soul in this building has been there and can understand what I'm going through."  Jon said he did, and while I know he probably understood more than anyone there, he still couldn't understand it from a woman's standpoint (at least according to my mind).

Later that night, I was talking to him and told he what I had thought.  Among many other things, he reminded me that someday, some woman will go through this same exact thing and I (of all people) will be able to help her...those other people won't because they've never been there. I hope that is true, not because I want another woman to suffer, but I want to be able to help someone else.  If when its all said and done, my trials will allow me to offer just a small word of encouragement to another person, then it will be worth it.

I remember growing up, my mom would often remind me what a dear friend of ours would say: there is never a trial that you go through that someone else hasn't already been through.  Sometimes, we don't talk about our trials and heartaches for fear of what others would think, when in actuality, talking about that very trial might be just what they need to hear. I've come to realize lately that sometimes the very things that we don't want to talk about - maybe we're ashamed that we've had that trial or that fight - are the things that help others.  Maybe it lets them know they're not alone, that someone else has "been there." We don't help others by acting perfect all the time...we help others by admitting we're not perfect.  So know that through this journey or any journey, I'm not perfect...I've had emotions, a little bit (maybe more) jealously, and trials.  But I'm still standing.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying...

Praying for Rain

Last week and weekend were emotional for me.  For reasons that I won’t go into on here, it was difficult.  I went (within about 12 hours) from being excited and hopeful to being confused, hurt, and sad.  Sometimes, as much as you’re OK with your current circumstances, you still weep over what could have been.  Sometimes, as much as you try to have faith, it withers.

My husband has been strong for me throughout this wait.  He doesn’t say much about it without me bringing it up first (or at least didn’t for a while), but anytime I mention the fact that I am worrying or that my faith is lacking, he is always there to cheer me up and encourage me.  Last week, when I had my emotional meltdown, he was there for me.  My mom was also there for me.  Even when I completely deserved to have someone say “snap out of it” or “you’re making a mountain out of a molehill,” she didn’t.  Her words showed me that she understood I was hurting.  I’m so thankful to have my family supporting me.

Saturday, I bought the last two “must haves” that I thought needed before baby EJ arrives.  I needed (or wanted) to have a diaper bag ready.   I found a giraffe print diaper bag.  Of course that’s what I went with – have you seen the nursery? I also FINALLY decided on and bought some bottles.  Dr. Brown’s it is! I will probably think of things I need to get.  I still need to search through Dakota’s totes to see if I can find some burp clothes, which is one of the major things I need for my diaper bag. I’m sure I’ll think of other things, but I feel (mostly) prepared now.

On our way to church Sunday night, I mentioned to Jon that we might need to go ahead and get the car seat installed.  I’ve debated on whether to install it now or wait until we get the call.  Jon then reminded me of a story.  He didn’t have to tell me the whole story – I’d heard it before.  I may not get it word for word accurate, but I do want to share it with you.  I hope that someone else out there gets something good out of it as well.

Once upon a time, there was a land that was going through a major drought.  The people in the land needed rain and needed it badly.  Three men decided that they were going to go somewhere together and pray for rain.  They decided to meet at a certain time to do that.  When they met, one of the gentlemen was carrying an umbrella.  Of course, since it hadn’t rained in a while, the other two gentlemen wondered why in the world this man brought an umbrella during this drought.  The man’s reply was simple: “Aren’t we going to pray for rain?”

This story says so much about praying with faith.  If we are praying for something, shouldn’t we prepare for it to happen? If we are truly having faith, aren’t we expecting it? So, please don’t laugh if you see me in Walmart buying diapers or see us outside installing a car seat.  We are trying to have faith that our baby EJ will soon be home with his or her Mommy, Daddy, and big brother.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

Stand Still

Today has been a hard day – I’ve been ill, in a bad mood, and just not happy.  Sometimes, I tend to borrow trouble.  I worry about things that I have no control over.  My worries aren't always directly related to the adoption, but with almost everything a thought crosses my mind of "how will this affect the adoption?" I'm so terrified that something will happen to wipe our bank account out or anything that could negatively affect the adoption.  Paranoid is probably a better word for it.

My newest worry has gotten to me and drug me down a bit.  My dad has reminded me - "Holly, just pray about it.  He's always provided for you before."  Mom told me, "Just pray about it."  I know they are right.  He has always provided for us.  When one door closes, either it doesn't shut too hard or another one opens right up.   Sometimes, I think Satan tries to block those memories from us and cloud them with worry.  What reason has God ever given me to think that He wouldn't work things out for us?

On the way home tonight, I was burdened.  All of sudden, this song came across my mind and I realized how well it fit the situation.  Anytime you're faced with a decision, its stressful.  If I choose the path to the left, something might happen later to make me regret it.  But if I choose the path to the right, I might regret that one as well. Do I take the path to the left, right or stay on my current path?  I think this song helped to ease my mind a bit:

Maybe that's my answer - I just need to stand still and wait on God to work things out for us.   My absolute favorite Bible verse is:

Delight theyself also in the Lord: and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. - Psalm 37:4

I need to try my absolute best to work for Him and delight in Him and He will take care of us.  I definitely have some moving up to do.  I hope this situation works out for the best and I hope our baby comes sooner rather than later but all I can do right now is work for Him and do good.  Then, stand still and let God move. But standing still is hard to do.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying...

True Friendship Through the Wait

“It’s like waiting for your water to break, isn’t it? Only you don’t know how far along you are.”

This is one of my favorite quotes I’ve seen related to the adoption process…and it came from my best friend.  She has never been through this process, but has been by my side.  She’s heard my fears, my worries, and my updates.  She’ll ask if I’ve gotten any more baby feet (our agency sends pictures of baby feet when a forever family has been created).  She encourages me, like when I worried that no one would “pick us” because we have a biological child.  She is there for me – more than anyone else other than Jon and my parents. I’m so thankful to have her in my life.

If you’ve ever been pregnant, you completely understand the normal process.  You find out you’re expecting – usually around 5-6 weeks- and get a due date.  At about 18-20 weeks, you can find out whether the baby will be a boy or girl.  You have ultrasounds to see the baby and have a pretty good idea of at least the month that the baby will be born. If you (unlike me) carried your baby at least close to term, you probably got to the point where you were just waiting for it to happen.  You knew once you reached a certain point, delivery was inevitable (even though it might not have felt like it).

Now, imagine finding out you’re expecting, but having no due date. No ultrasounds.  Nothing.  All you know is that you are expecting a baby at some point but you have no idea if you are 2 months along, 5 months along, or 9 months.  All you know is that (hopefully) you will have a baby at some point in the future.  That’s kind of how this is.  I’m waiting for “the call” (aka water to break) but have no idea when it will happen (how far along I am).

My friend followed up that quote with another that is full of encouragement: “The day before your life changes forever is just like any other day.”  This reminds me that even though I don’t know when or how much longer, the day before will be just like today.  I will likely be at work on a normal day thinking about what needs to be done either at work or home, maybe getting ready to plan our weekend or what day I will go get groceries and then suddenly one phone call could change it all.  One phone call could make our family of three become a family of four.

In the meantime, I’m thankful for my husband and my son, who I think will be an excellent big brother.  I’m thankful for the support of my parents.  I don’t know what I would do without them. Honestly,I would have guessed that my dad would’ve been the more excited one about the baby but, while he is excited, I think my mom is almost as anxious as I am.  I’m thankful for my church family - if you’ve never been in a church where the members feel more like family than acquaintances, I strongly encourage it.  I’m thankful for every time that God has sent me encouragement and strength. 

Finally, I’m thankful for my friend.  She has absolutely been my rock over the past year and a half.  I never realized how much I needed her until very recently.  Even when her first son was born, I didn’t think about it.  When she was getting ready to have her second son, I started worrying on the way to the hospital.  What if something happened to her? It was then that I realized how much I NEED her.  I am so thankful to have a true friend that I can talk to about pretty much anything – even when I’m in a selfish and emotional state – and not feel judged or told I shouldn’t feel that way.  So, to my friend, THANK YOU for everything and I love you!

Do I still worry about not being picked? Absolutely.

Do I still wonder when and if it’s going to happen? Of course.

But as we were reminded this week, God’s timing is not our timing. 

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

On Time

We had an absolutely wonderful church service this morning.  There was so much encouragement and such a good, peaceful feeling there. A good friend of ours started a song and probably about 1/2 through it, I started realizing just how appropriate the words of that song were:

You can't hurry God.  You'll just have to wait. 

Trust in Him.  Call on Him.  No matter how long it takes.

He's a God that you can't hurry.  He'll be there so don't you worry.

He may not come when you call him but He'll come on time.

After this song, Dad started talking to the church and really focused on Galatians 6:9:

Be not weary in well doing: for in due season, we shall reap if we faint not.

Dad started talking about how this relates to prayer.  He talked about how we shouldn't get discouraged if our prayers aren't being answered right away but instead remember that our prayers ARE reaching the Throne! The service was such a good reminder that regardless of our prayers and needs, God hears each one.  He even hears the ones that feel like they are leaving our mouth and hitting the floor in front of us.

Last night was our Christmas play at church.  I get so stressed before the play each year and each year it turns out fine.  After being so stressed and worried, the play was finally over.  Everyone (for the most part) did their parts and the hard work payed off.  But my prize came after the play.

If you've read many of my blog posts, you've seen that I have struggled at times with people making comments that hurt me related to our adoption.  As much as I'd like to not care what people think, I sometimes do.  It helps when you have encouragement instead of discouragement.  My mom tries to tell me to focus on the good things that happen and not those that make negative comments. The more good things that happen, the easier it becomes to focus on those.

After the play was over, I was sitting in the kitchen holding my friend's baby that she is hoping to soon adopt.  A sister from our church came up to me.  Her words went something like this: "I've really had y'all on my mind lately.  I've been trying to pray for you and have felt God.  I really feel like it could be any day that you get a call to go get a baby." I almost cried.  It helped me SO much to know that this dear sister cared enough about us to pray for us and was happy and excited for us!

I don't know when we'll get the call - it could be 3 months, it could be 6 months, it could be another year.  But regardless of when, I know God hears our prayers.  He hears each one of them. He knows our hearts, our desires, and our needs before we even pray.  As the song says, "He may not come when you call Him but He'll come on time!"

I have one request before I go today.  The closer we get to our baby, the more I realize that his or her birth mother could be expecting NOW.  She chose / is choosing to give this child life and to do what she feels is best for this child. If you believe in the power of prayer, please help us pray for our baby's birth mother/birth parents.  This has to be a difficult time for her/them.   Please help us pray that she (and he if involved) makes wise choices for herself and the baby and that she finds peace and contentment in her decision.

Still waiting, hoping & praying.....

Opinions & Bloodlines

It amazes me how different people have such different views when the word "adoption" is brought up. Its also kind of funny how you can read people without them really saying what they're thinking.

My mom and I had lunch today and ran into someone we knew.  The person asked me if we were ready for baby #2.  I explained that we were trying to adopt (and why, although that's not really any one's business).  The person answered with something like "Oh really? Maybe everything will work out."  While the person was cordial and nice, I could get from the conversation that adoption was a bit of a taboo subject. 

Yesterday, I took Dakota to a birthday party for a classmate.  The child's aunt sat down by me and the fact that we were trying to adopt came up.  She started telling me how she had wanted to adopt at one point herself.  I felt comfortable talking to her about the whole process probably because I felt like she understood - at least on some level.  I didn't feel like she was judging me or discouraging, but rather a supportive ear. When you start talking to someone about it for the first time, you never know what kind of reaction you will get, so one like this is always welcome.

When thinking about these two experiences, I've realized there are generally three types of opinions related to adoptions: those that immediately try to discourage you, those that may not say anything but you get the impression they're not pro-adoption, and then those that support you whole heartedly.  I have had experiences with all three types of opinions throughout our process.

If you've ever been pregnant, there's a good chance you've had problems with people thinking that your stomach is public property.  Similarly with adoption, people sometimes think that your decision is up to them or fair game for their opinion.

I've always thought adoption was a very neat thing.  I never realized there were so many negative opinions out there, especially when it comes to infant adoption. It blows my mind that there are people that think you can't love a child properly if their bloodline isn't the same as yours.   I just can't fathom this.  I don't love Dakota because he shares the same bloodline as me.  I love him because he's my child.  It also blows my mind that anyone, especially a Christian, would think that you shouldn't give a child a loving, Christian home just because their bloodline is different.

I was born to my parents 31 years ago.  Nineteen and a half years ago, I was adopted as a child of God.  I am so thankful that God didn't care about bloodlines.  What if He had decided that Jesus was His only heir since Jesus was His only "biological" child?  What if He had decided that we weren't His "biological" children so He didn't need or want us? I'm thankful that He saw differently and adopted me as one of His children.

While I am learning that not everyone is supportive nor does everyone need to be, it still catches me off guard sometimes. But I am truly thankful for those people who are supportive and behind us 100% of the way.

Still waiting, hoping & praying...

Happy Veteran's Day

A while back, I read about an Asian-American couple that were living in the Middle East (I don't remember the country but they were there for his job).  The couple had adopted three children from Africa.  The little girl had a disease that was a result of malnourishment before she was adopted and ended up passing away.  As if this family didn't have enough to deal with, the government in the country they were living in said that there was no way the couple would want to adopt "unattractive" looking children who did not look like them and were not related to them.  They MUST have done it for human trafficking and obviously they murdered the little girl. This upset me so badly.  I have lived such a sheltered life in the US that I didn't realize that this kind of thinking even existed.  How dare someone think a child doesn't deserve a home because they're not "blood" related or because they look different?

I was thinking about this today and what today represents.  Men and women fought for our wonderful country so that we could be free - we have freedom to worship as we please (for the most part) and say what we want (again, for the most part). I was able to marry my husband because I loved him - not because someone "arranged it."  I don't agree with most of what our government does today and am not completely happy with the shape our country is in today.  However, as bad as things seem, we still live in a FREE country and for that, I am thankful.

As I'm writing this, I think back to a few days ago.  Dakota was asking me about the wise men and why they brought gifts to baby Jesus.  He sat down in my lap and we had a conversation about King Herod, the wise men, and their gifts to baby Jesus.  I realized while writing this post that being able to have that conversation with my son is something many mother's do not have the privilege of having. Jon & I have the RIGHT and the FREEDOM to tell our son about Jesus - His birth, His life, His death, and His resurrection. 

Dakota sings a song called "God Likes People."  In the chorus, it says "God likes people, any shape, any color, any size.  You don't have to be an angel to be really special in his eyes."  God has adopted us as his children.  He doesn't love us because we are blood or because we resemble His looks.  We are His children and He loves us regardless of our shape, color, or size. 

I know there are people out there who sadly think that you can't love someone who isn't your blood - at least not the same.  There are people who don't believe adoption is a good thing.  But I'm thankful that overall - this country is pretty accepting of the idea, especially compared to that country in the Middle East.  For my freedom to live, worship, pray, be happy, love, and even freedom to adopt, I would like to say thank you to all of the Veterans out there.  Happy Veteran's Day!

Being Thankful

The closer we get to our miracle, the more anxious I get.  I think I've started nesting a bit - wanting to get everything "ready."  We cleaned off our front porch this weekend and pressure washed it.  I've been trying to stay more "on-top" of things like the dishes in the sink or the laundry to be done. I want to make sure I'm as ready as I can be when we get "the call."

Very recently, I've begun day dreaming.  It sounds like such a childish thing to do, but i must admit it - I have "dreamed" about getting "the call."  How will I react? What will they say on "the call?"  How much will I know before we leave?  I can't help but think about those things and more.  I'm trying to be patient and wait.  But as much as I know we will get the call when it's THE baby that God has picked for us, I still get anxious and excited.

This month, I started the 30 day thankful challenge on Facebook.  Some people have commented that they don't want to participate because they feel you should be thankful year round.  While I agree with that, I enjoy this challenge each year.  It's not that I'm not thankful on the other 335 days in the year.  However, I believe that, at least for me personally, it's good to take a step back and just think about all that God's done for me.  Sure, it's easy at first - thankful for my salvation, my son, my husband, my parents.  But once you get to day 20, it's not quite so straightforward.  It's not that you don't have anything to be thankful for but sometimes we fail to realize exactly what ALL we should be thankful for.  I think it's a good idea to force yourself to look at your life and see the little things (and maybe some big ones that you don't think about everyday) to be thankful for.

Once thing I am very thankful for that may not be discussed fully on that Facebook challenge is that God picked this road for us.  When we first started this process, adoption was almost a 2nd choice.  I would have loved to have biologically had another child, but I was scared to death to go down that road.  The first peace I had about a 2nd child was when we decided to adopt.  Almost 21 months after making that decision, I have fallen in love with this road.  Shows like "I'm Having Their Baby" helped me better understand what birthmothers likely go through when making the decision to make an adoption plan.  I honestly believe watching this show will help me have more compassion and understanding for what our miracle's birthparents might go through.  I've also joined an adoption forum where I have the opportunity to read posts and suggestions from others who have been there/done that.  While the path to adoption is hard, emotional, and puts you on a different road than almost anyone else you know, I know in the end, it will all be more than worth it.

This journey has taught me to trust in God - that He knows what's best for our family.  Its taught me patience (althouth I'm still not very good at that sometimes).  Most of all, this journey has taught me a lot about faith.  Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) says "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  FAITH caused us to begin this journey.  FAITH helps us make it through many many days spent waiting.  FAITH helped us get the nursery setup.  And most of all, FAITH keeps us from getting discouraged along the way.  We have FAITH that our baby is either on its way or will be on its way to us when HIS timing is right.

Reassurance

Sometimes its pretty amazing how many times God has to remind me to trust Him and have faith in Him. 

We began this journey a year and a half ago.  At that time, I felt like I had my answer as to what was the right direction to take.  As I guess is with anything that requires a long wait, my faith has been tested.  First, it was people putting their two cents in where it wasn't necessary or required causing me to doubt and absolutely tearing up my mind and heart. For those of you who have been through the adoption process, I'm sure you know the people - those that say "I don't think you should adopt. I don't have the right feeling about it. I've heard of too many situations that didn't turn out well." 

I finally began getting over that one but the most recent one was my own doubt.  What if it never happens? What if no one wants to pick a family that has biological children (or a child)? What if we sit on that list FOREVER!?  My best friend (who has been a rock for me to lean on/talk to through this whole process) reminded me that someone may want the child to have a sibling.  That's true - but you still can't help but doubt - what if it never happens.

I continue preparing.  We have painted the nursery, I've picked out a car seat, and picked out a pack-n-play.  I'm trying to have faith and believe that continuing to prepare is my way of having faith.  Fast forward to today.

We had a yard sale for our church during a mile-long yard sale at Grant.  The money we raise usually goes to the church kitchen.  Since our kitchen fund didn't really need the money this time, I decided to setup my own section and sell some of my stuff to try to raise money to get things like the car seat and if any extra, to help add to the adoption fund.  A young 14-yo sister from our church (who just received salvation a couple of months ago) went with us to help.  Shortly after the yard sales started, the young lady started going around visiting other yard sales.  She started bringing back baby outfits - FOR ME!  And she kept doing this - this 14 year old girl was spending the money she had on my future baby.

Now, let's go back for a moment.  Remember I told you about the people putting their two cents worth in? Well, I guess I had told myself that no one (other than my parents) really supported our decision.  I shouldn't say no one, but that not many did - they didn't know about adoption, didn't think it would really happen, etc.  That was all (or mostly) of course in my mind.

My aunt arrived at the yard sale a little late and started getting stuff out of her car.  I explained that the section on the left was separate from the church stuff and the reason I was trying to make the money.  She immediately tells me that I can have her stuff to sell for my side if I wanted.  That touched me because it let me know she wanted to help.  A little while later, she and another sister from our church had gone to visit the restroom and passed a yard sale with a bassinet.  They thought of me and my aunt practically begged me to come over and see it.  It was in great shape and we ended up getting this $80-90 bassinet for $25.  Now, baby "EJ", as I've been calling him/her since the girl's name we have picked starts with an E and the boys name starts with a J, has a place to sleep at Mamaw's house.

Ok - fast forward to the end of the yard sale.  I made over $100 - which thrilled me because I was worried about making much of anything.  As we were picking up the church's yard sale stuff, the young lady I spoke about earlier decided to take some of her sister's clothes over to the lady that had sold us the bassinet.  The lady had found out earlier about our plans to adopt.  She asked the young lady if her friend would like more baby clothes.  They called me over and this lady GAVE me a box full of baby clothes.  The young lady that had helped me get these clothes was SOOO happy! 

I was thankful, but it didn't really hit me until I got home.  I sat down and started going through the box of clothes.  About 1/2 way through, I realized that there were a LOT of clothes (over 125 total in that box).  All of sudden I realized - "This is stuff I would've picked out had I been shopping for baby clothes!" 

Then, when I showed it to my husband, he gave me the most encouragement I could have received.  His words, encouraging me that he didn't think it would be long and how he felt about it, gave me my faith right back.

Sometimes, God works in mysterious ways.  Who would've thought when I got to that yard sale around 5am this morning, that my faith would be restored before night.  Thank you God for encouragement and helping me have faith!

My Miracle Song...

Sometimes, I believe a song can speak to you like people can't.  I saw that first hand a few months ago and would like to share.

For starters, back in late summer/early fall, someone made a comment to me about the adoption.  To them, I'm sure it was mostly a fleeting thought and they spoke their bit and went on their way.  That day and for many days and even months afterwards, those statements haunted me.  They actually kind of crushed me.  I dealt with them day in and out.  How dare this person say something to me that affected my whole world like that? I dealt with emotions related to that for a while. 

Earlier this year, we went to a concert where the Mike Bowling family performed.  I ended up buying a couple of CD's.  At first, this particular song didn't stand out to me.  However, later on, I started to actually listen to the words and, in my mind this song almost became my adoption anthem.  Listening to the words of this song helped me understand that I don’t have understand everything, but I do believe this is the path that God has chosen for our family and I am ok with that – actually, I have even become happy about that.  This song now has a special place in my heart.

A Miracle Today as sung by The Mike Bowling Family

You see the puzzle not the piece.  
You see the forest not the trees.
You know what's best for me.
Lord, you have bottled up my tears.
You see my questions and my fears

And the way it has to be.

I know that there are others more deserving than I.
I know that I'm not worthy but you listen when I cry.
So if this cross is mine to bear, I'll praise you anyway.
Lord, I could sure use a miracle today.

Lord, you are faithful more than words.
You feed the lilies & the birds
You catch the sparrow when it falls.
You know exactly where I am
So I'm not questioning your plan
There's a reason for it all.