A Year Later...

Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of the day we got the call that changed our lives.  Tuesday will make one year ago that Sarah came home.  In one way, it seems so fast while in another, it seems like she's been with us for years.

I've thought a lot this week about where we were a year ago.  At this time a year ago, we were still a family of three. We didn't know if or when we'd ever be a family of four. I imagine our plans for the upcoming weekend included celebrating Jon's 32nd birthday, attending a gospel singing on Friday night and who knows what else. We had no idea what was in store.

We went to the singing on Friday night not knowing that before we left, we would receive the call that would change our lives forever.  I still get teary eyed just thinking about how with that one phone call, three years of waiting, praying, hoping, crying, questioning, and wondering came to an end.   Well, let's me honest - the crying was far from over but now it's happy tears.

I remember standing in that church parking lot and listening to Susan tell us all about this little girl.  I remember feeling like it wasn't really happening.  I think sometimes when you've waited for something so long, it's hard to believe it when it finally does happen.

Sunday morning, May 17th, we were supposed to wait for a call to leave home but we couldn't wait and finally started out on faith.  We stopped at a tool shop somewhere on the way, but realized we didn't have cell phone service so left pretty quickly.  We finally stopped at a flea market and about as soon as we walked in the door, my phone rang.  It was Rick, our attorney, telling us that she was being released from the hospital and we could take her home.

After killing a little time at the flea market, we met Rick and Susan at the hospital. Before we were introduced to her, they dressed her with an outfit that said, "I was worth the wait." Oh how true that was.  We dressed in the all too familiar NICU attire and prepared to meet our daughter.  Susan took pictures for us as we met this precious little girl.  Those pictures are treasures to me.  I'm so thankful to be able to see our faces as we saw our daughter for the first time.

Those first few days felt so surreal. Now, a year later, my heart is still so happy. I'm finally content and feel complete.  I can't explain the feeling of having us all together.  Completeness is the closest I can come.

To those still waiting, please remember that you never know when your call will come.  There were times I was ready to give up.  I convinced myself that God wasn't going to give me the desire of my heart.  After 3 years, it felt almost too hard to keep going.

Have you seen the picture floating around Facebook of the men digging for treasure and the one guy gives up right before he gets to the treasure? If we would have given up, that would've been us.  We were so close - we just couldn't see it.

I think everyone who has adopted and had to wait a long time will tell you it was worth the wait.  That isn't downplaying the wait.  It's hard. I still say that was one of the hardest things in my life.  But on May 17, 2015, every single day became worth it. That's not an exaggeration or figure of speech.  It's the truth.

Letter to Me Four Years Ago

Four years ago today is when I consider we officially began our adoption journey.  We met with our agency for the first time and decided that was the path and agency we would follow.  In honor of that anniversary, I decided to write a letter to myself....here's what I would tell myself if I could send a note to me four years ago.

Dear Holly (Feb 2012):

Right now, you are excited.  You and Jon have just made the decision to grow your family by adoption.  You feel relief that you won't have to risk your life to grow your family.  You feel excitement.  You feel hopeful.  You feel motivated.  You are ready to tackle this home study full force and grow your family.

Let me warn you - you have no idea what you are about to begin.  While the home study seems daunting and never ending, it's the easy part.  In all honesty, that entire first year is the easy part.  They're going to tell you that the wait will be two to three years and you'll be hopeful that they are exaggerating to keep you from getting your hopes up.  You'll think surely it will happen sooner.  Trust me - it won't.

The next three years will be the hardest of your life.   Everything you've been through leading up to this point will seem like a breeze.  This will be the hardest trial of your life.  You will question everything.  You'll want to give up at times and will think its never going to happen.

There will come a point (because it's taken so long) that you will have to update your home study.  The home study that seems so doable and that you're so motivated to finish now will seem so much harder.  You'll think it's pointless and almost (just almost) decide not to do it.  Again, trust me.  Just do it.

Baby showers and pregnancy announcements will be the hardest.  You'll find it's often hard to be happy for others because you wonder why it couldn't be you.  You'll find that someone pregnant with their first doesn't seem to bother you as much as seconds, thirds, fourths, etc.  You'll have to learn to hold back emotions and do a lot of pretending.  I know you're not good at that, but you'll have to try.

You'll meet a birthmom that you think is your child's birthmom.  It won't go as planned and you'll be crushed.  Trust me.  That wasn't your baby.

A little over 3 years from now, you'll hit your lowest low.  You'll think its never going to happen.  You'll decide that God doesn't want you to have your heart's desire and you'll try to get willing for His will.  Hold on and don't give up just yet.

May 15, 2015, will be the day you have been waiting on every single day between now and then.  You'll get the call that you have a daughter.  May 17th, you will meet her.

Let me tell you, Holly.  Every single heartache, trial and worry will be completely worth it.  You'll realize that it was all leading you to the perfect child to complete your family.  She'll almost worship Dakota and he will her.  She'll be a Daddy's girl at times and Mommy's baby at times.  You'll watch her sleep and look back at the times you were so heartbroken and know every single day of waiting was worth it. 

Prepare yourself.  It will be a hard road and you'll be stronger on the other side.  You'll feel like giving up but don't.  Because the me that's writing to you now watching your daughter sleep while Jon and Dakota are talking in the next room knows her heart is full and it's all completely worth it.

Love,

Holly (Feb 2016)

PS. You'll decide that Emma (the name you've had picked out for a girl since before Dakota was born) is not her name.  Instead, you'll name her Sarah after Sarah in the Bible.

Unanswered Prayers

One year ago today, we got up on a Monday morning and headed south.  I had received a call on Black Friday about a baby that was already born and in foster care.  The birthmom had originally picked another family, but decided she didn’t like them and ended up going to our agency and picking us. 

We drove the long drive that morning, found our way around the city, and met with the guardian ad litem that had been assigned for the baby.  Later that day, we were able to meet with the birthmom.  We talked a little about ourselves and Dakota and she explained to us why she'd picked us.

We found a nice hotel that night.  Thank goodness my parents were taking care of Dakota, since he was in school at that time.  We ate supper at Taco Bell and then went back to our hotel and settled in for the night.  To say it was an awkward night is an understatement.

On Tuesday morning, we headed to court, only to find that it had been postponed.   We killed time until later that afternoon when we went to court.  We were there, along with the other couple (that she’d originally picked), a social worker, the birthparents, and the guardian ad litem.  During that court hearing, the birthmother made it very clear that she wanted us to adopt the child; however, the judge refused to rule on custody and instead decided to leave the child in foster care.  I left that day so heartbroken.  

We walked out of the courtroom and I broke down and cried.  Our attorney walked over and put his arms around me and just hugged me for a moment. Rick and Susan were absolutely wonderful during that time and I doubt I will ever forget them being there for us when we needed someone so badly.  We walked to our car and drove home with an empty car seat in the back.

The next few days were filled with turmoil.  We were still hopeful that we would eventually bring this little boy home; however, as the days progressed, we soon realized that this case was going to be much more complicated than we were prepared to deal with.  Although we had prayed and prayed for this little boy to come home with us, we came to the conclusion, along with our attorney, that this was not our son and decided to no longer proceed with the case.

My heart hurt.  I did not understand why this had happened.  Why had God sent us to this baby and not allowed us to bring him home? Couldn’t He have just allowed this not to happen? Why did we even have to know about this baby?  Why did we have to get our hopes up only to be crushed? 

As much as it hurt, we did truly believe that this was not our son. I had peace knowing this wasn’t our son, but I still didn’t understand why this happened.  I still can’t completely tell you why it happened, but, if for nothing else, it made me more thankful later down the road.

Garth Brooks had a song several years ago called “Unanswered Prayers.”  It said:

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.

Remember when you’re talking to the man upstairs

That just because He doesn’t answer doesn’t mean He don’t care. 

Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

I’m not sure that prayers ever actually go unanswered.  I’ve heard before that God answers every prayer you pray.  Sometimes, His answer is yes.  Sometimes, His answer is no.  And sometimes, His answer may be “not yet.”  Today, one year in the future, I am thankful that His answer last December was “not yet.” Had He answered that prayer, we wouldn’t have our precious baby girl today.  Sarah wouldn’t be a member of our family and she is the perfect addition to our family.

If you are still waiting or have gone through a failed adoption, I want to encourage you to hang on.  It is so hard to believe things are working out for the best when you're in the middle of a storm.  But sometimes, God’s greatest gifts come in the rainbow after the storm.

Jon's Testimony

I want to tell you the rest of the story of Sarah's adoption from Jon's point of view.  This is his testimony.

The Lord called me when I was 18 years old. I started to church and was really happy.  Several months later, I came down with appendicitis.  I ended up having to have two surgeries and stayed in the hospital for a good while. Not knowing if I was going to live or die, one night I found the room empty. I decided to pray.

I said, "Lord, if I'm going to die, I'm ready to go. I've got a better home waiting on me anyway.  But, if it's your will to spare me, may I have these things.  Would you send me a wife that would love me and I love her back? Lord, would you give us a good home to raise a family (I had a picture in my mind of the style I'd like).  Lord, would you let my first born child be a son and second be a girl?"

I got better after several months and got my strength back.  I was released with good reports from the doctors. Over time, I forgot about the prayer .

Right after I was saved, the Lord told me that I would marry a ministers daughter but I didn't know when or where.  I also knew she would play the piano for the church.  A couple of years later, after I fully recovered, I had decided to visit my brother at his church.  I was standing at the pulpit and a girl walked in.  The Lord told me that she would be my wife.  I didn't know who she was but I knew I was going to marry her.   Less than two years later, I married they piano - playing preacher's daughter.

About 4 years later, we were expecting our first child and had just bought a house.  We were on our way to find out the gender of the baby.  Holly asked me what I thought the baby would be. At first, I thought it had to be a girl because she was just too moody.  She asked me again a few minutes later and I replied with the same thing.  I wasn't two miles from the house when the Lord asked me if I remembered what I'd prayed that night in the hospital.  I said that I did and he said to expect it. I told Holly it was going to be a boy.  A few months later, we welcomed Dakota Paul into our lives.

When Dakota was born, Holly had some severe issues and I thought I was going to lose my wife and possibly my son.  The Lord sent a brother to anoint her with oil and everything started getting better.  Some time later, we were starting to talk about another child.  In my mind,  I was debating on whether to put Holly through that again or not.  Little did I know, Holly had a fear about having another child biologically.  We both felt like we got a sign that we should adopt.

We debated on whether to adopt internationally or domestically and I felt like we needed to adopt domestically.  We started looking at agencies and found one in Birmingham that interested us. We met with the agency and a few months (and lot of work) later were on a waiting list.

By that time,  I was trying to put this in the Lord's hands and trust that He would take care of it. The struggle for me was seeing the turmoil that the wait was putting on Holly.  Secretly, I struggled as well, but didn't say anything so I could stay strong for her.

After a while of seeing my wife so distressed, I began praying.  I'd pray when I was alone. One day, I was mowing the yard, making my rounds back and fourth in front of the house.  The Lord spoke to me and told me to look at my house.  I looked and just kept mowing.  Again,  a little stronger, I heard, "Look at your house." I looked again and said," Lord, I see it." I kept mowing.  On the third time, I heard, "Stop and look at your house." At this point, I thought something was wrong with the house.  I got off the mower and started looking at the house and questioning what God was trying to show me.  He said, "Do you remember what you asked me laying in the hospital?" I said, "Yes, Lord, I do."  He said, "Did you ask for a wife and didn't I give it? Did you ask for a house and didn't I give it? Did you ask for your firstborn to be a son? All these things have I not given you?" The only question I had was why because I didn't feel worthy.  His words were, "My word is true.  It says in my word, 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and anything that ye shall have need of shall be added unto you.' Does my word stand true?" That was the Lord's way of getting my attention to say to seek Him first and he'd finish it.

This past spring, we put a garden behind our house.  When everyone had left and I was alone, I said, "Lord, I'm trying to do the best I know.  Am I not doing enough? If I'm not,  please show me."  I asked Him once again to help us with this.  We were trying to be strong but it was saddening me to see Holly suffer.  Just a few days later, we were parents again to our beautiful daughter, Sarah.

If our story has taught me anything, it's that faith can move anything.  And it doesn't have to be a lot of faith.  At times, we had no more than a mustard seed.

Introducing...

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but we can finally announce to the world – we are now officially a family of four.  I can now share the story of how we went from three to four.

If you’ve read my previous posts (or if you’ve been affected by adoption), you know that it’s an extremely emotional roller coaster ride.  One minute, you’re hopeful.  The next minute, you question whether it will ever happen.  In late April, I became extremely disheartened.  I asked for a sign and didn’t get it.  In my mind, I was terrified that this was God telling me it wasn’t going to happen.  My nerves were shot.  I cried.   I was downhearted.  I was a wreck.  Jon told me what to do.  He said to write down my prayer on a piece of paper, throw it up in the air and let God have it.  I tried to do this.  It was so hard to let it go, but I began to try to prepare myself for the fact that it might not happen.  In my mind, that was part of letting God have it – being ok with either outcome.  When people would ask about the adoption, I would now say “if” it happens instead of “when.”  It wasn’t that I wasn’t having faith – but rather trying to prepare for the fact that it might not be God’s will.

On Friday, May 1^st, we went to a gospel singing.  I heard a song called “When I Lay My Isaac Down.” The song talked about how Abraham had prayed for Isaac and once Isaac arrived, he had to be willing to sacrifice him.  In the end, it wasn’t Isaac that God wanted, but he wanted Abraham.  He wanted to be put first and once Abraham did that, God provided for him.  When I heard those words, I sat in that church and, again, cried like a baby.  The tears were flowing and there was no stopping them.  I realized in that moment that it wasn’t that God didn’t want to send us a baby.  But I had to be willing to put Him first and be willing for His will.

Two weeks to the day later, we went to a singing at my mother-in-law’s church.  We had gone to the fellowship hall during intermission to grab a bite to eat.  For some reason, while we were there, I looked down at my phone and noticed we’d missed a call.  The area code indicated the same area as our agency so I thought I’d better call it back.  When I did, it was Susan from our agency.  She had a “situation” to tell us about.  Jon and I quickly found my parents for Dakota to stay with and we went outside near our car to talk to her on speaker. 

She began telling us about this baby girl that had been born April 18^th.  She had been born a little early and was still in the NICU. They were expecting her to be released that weekend.  She told us a little about the situation and asked if we were interested.  Of course, we said, “YES!”  It seemed so surreal to me.   We had waited for three years for that call and it was finally happening. She said, “I guess we thought you’d say that because we’ve already got the paperwork ready.”  We were to go home and wait to hear from them the next day.

Needless to say, we left the singing and headed home.  We tried to do work in the house to make sure everything was ready to bring a baby home. 

Now, if you’ve read previous posts, you’ve seen me refer to the name “EJ.” This was because we had “Emma” picked out for a girl and “Jacob” picked out for a boy.  On that Friday night, I asked Jon what if we changed.  I thought about Sarah in the Bible and how she’d had to wait so long to have a baby.  I thought the name, “Sarah” was fitting for her.  We’d talked about that name before and quickly decided that her name was going to be “Sarah Grace” instead of “Emma Grace.”

We got a call from our attorney, Rick, on Saturday saying they were expecting release on Sunday.  He wanted us to wait at home until we heard back from him.  Saturday afternoon, we decided to go out to eat with my parents.  Jon’s birthday was on Sunday and we knew we’d be busy, so we decided to celebrate early.  The whole time, everything still felt so surreal.  Was our wait finally over? Or would this one fall through?

On Sunday morning, we got up and got ready.  We’d realized the city she was in was a little further away than we initially thought so we decided, on faith, to start driving that way. The three of us loaded up in our car and started driving.  Rick called when we were about 20 minutes from home and said the doctor hadn’t been in yet.  We decided to drive on a piece and I could stop by the office and grab my laptop, since I’d likely be out of work for a while.  We did that and then stopped at a Walmart not too far down the road. (Not much else is open that early on Sunday morning.)

Our plans had been to kill time there until we heard from Rick.  When we got through at Walmart, Jon decided to just start driving that way. I questioned whether we should, but Jon said, "Oh ye of little faith." We ended up about 45 minutes to an hour from the hospital at a flea market.  We’d just walked in the flea market when Rick called.  He had talked to the doctor and they were releasing her.  That moment, standing outside a flea market in Warrior, AL, I realized that this was really happening.

We met Rick & Susan at the hospital a little while later.  They went back, made sure they were ready for us, and then five of us (Jon, Dakota, Rick, Susan & I) went back.  We put on our NICU hospital gowns, which brought back memories since Dakota spent a week in the NICU, himself.  The hospital set us up in a little “room” that reminded me of an ICU room – just a little curtained-in room.  They brought out stickers and activity pages for Dakota.  We nervously waited.

We heard a baby cry and they wheeled this beautiful little girl around into our room.  I picked her up from the bed and handed her to her big brother.  In that moment, we became a family of four.  It still felt surreal, but it was oh so real.  We held her for a while and had some bonding time. We signed papers and fed her before getting ready to leave.  Rick and Susan had given her a beautiful outfit that said, “I was worth the wait.” Right before time to eat, I changed her and she peed on it. So, she got to wear her “Little Sister” sleeper home.

After feeding time, the hospital went over discharge papers with us and we put her into the car seat. We walked out of the hospital as she was rolled out on a little baby bed.  We got in the car, pulled out and headed home.

Throughout the next week, reality set in on me.  We were finally here.  The wait was finally over.  We were a family of four.

Dakota is absolutely in love with his baby sister.  He is VERY protective of her.  She absolutely adores him, as well.  I am so thankful they have each other.  I always thought I wanted them closer in age.  That was even one of the things that added to the wait was knowing he was getting older.  In the end, I think they are the perfect number of years apart.

The last four months have been wonderful.  I am so happy to have my family complete. I had wondered how it would be with one biological and one adopted child, but it really isn’t any different, at least as far as how much you love them.  It is hard sometimes keeping up with two, but I am absolutely in love with being a mom of two.  I am no longer waiting for and wondering if my family will ever be complete.

Still praying but no longer hoping & waiting…

Things Happen for a Reason

It’s been a while since I’ve updated my blog.  We have definitely had a lot going on over the past couple of months so I figured it was time to update.

We had somewhat of a failed adoption in early December.  The day after Thanksgiving, I got a call from our lawyer that there was a situation that he was cautiously optimistic about.  However, because DHR was involved (and other legal issues), we needed to meet some people related to this case so we prepared to travel.  Over the weekend, we prepared.  We went out and bought little boy items (because due to the gift I received here, I had mostly girl items), bought the monitor, put together the pack and play, installed the car seat, and made sure the house was ready for a baby.  On Sunday, we met with our lawyer and then traveled to the baby’s location on Monday.  We prayed, we asked others to pray, and we proceeded anxiously.  We met with the birth mom and felt hopeful.  Legally, we should have won the case and brought the baby home.  To make a long story short, things ended up getting very complicated very fast.  It was going to be a long drawn out battle and after discussing with our attorney, we all decided it would be best for us to back out.

I was crushed.  I knew this just meant this wasn't our baby but it still hurt.  It still hurts.  I wonder about him.  What happened to him? Is he OK? Did another couple adopt him or is he still in DHR care? What happened to the birth parents? Were they mad that we backed out?

 

I don’t understand why we had to go through that but someday, I probably will.  Maybe, if nothing else, it reassured us of our love for our agency and it taught me that I truly would be OK with either a boy or girl this time around. I mean, let’s face it, as much as I would love to have a little girl, I do have a boy and know how to take care of one of those.  And I’m not a very girly girl either. Unless you’re showing me a reptile…then, I’m as girly as they come.

You know how they say everything happens for a reason?  Well, in hindsight, had we brought that little boy home, we would have had a rough couple of months.  He wouldn't have been in a normal routine yet.   Less than a week after we backed out of the adoption, my six year old came down with strep throat, which means he would have had to stay away from the baby.  Then, a week and a half later, he came down with the flu.  The baby would've likely been a month old before his big brother could even start spoiling him.

Then, came the big kicker.  Dakota's flu diagnosis was the Sunday before Christmas.  Two days later, I began not feeling too well.  I assumed I was likely coming down with the flu as well.  That night, I started hurting but attributed it to endometriosis.  Christmas Eve came and I felt miserable all day.  I was just very uncomfortable throughout my abdomen.  Although I did research on appendicitis and knew it was a possibility, I wasn't doing like most people.  I wasn't throwing up, bent over in pain, etc.  So I thought maybe it was gas pains and went on.  I didn't want to go to the ER on Christmas Eve and mess up Christmas for my son.  Christmas Day arrived and I was still miserable.  Dakota enjoyed his gifts from Santa and from us.  We then went to my parents for our annual Christmas morning breakfast and gifts.  It was all I could do to eat a few bites and I got through the gift opening but I was still miserable.   Finally, after everything was done, I sat down in their recliner and watched as Dakota played with his new toys.  I realized I couldn't even enjoy my son on Christmas Day and there was no way I could work the following day feeling this.  I called my family doctor (who was on call) and after a lot of questioning, finally said I needed to go to the ER just to make sure it wasn't appendicitis. 

Now, let me explain something.  I get sick probably 3 or 4 times a year with sinusitis but that’s about it.  I have never (since I've been old enough to remember) been to the ER for myself.  This was a first for me.  They got me back quickly and after blood work, xrays, and a CT scan, discovered that I did in fact have appendicitis.  I told Jon I must have been bad for Santa to bring me that. I had surgery on Christmas night.  From there, things actually got worse before getting better.  Five and a half weeks and 3 additional hospital visits later, I finally feel like maybe I’m on the road to recovery. 

Remember how I said everything happens for a reason? Well, imagine if during all this time, I’d had a newborn.  I couldn't even take care of myself part of the time, much less another human.  Thank God for my parents and my husband during this time, but what if they’d had a newborn to take care of as well?  It saddens me to think of how that baby wouldn't have gotten the attention that he deserved during those few weeks.

I have to convince myself that God knew what was ahead for us and knew that we wouldn't be able to care for a baby very well during that time.  I still question things – like why couldn't we take that little boy home and me NOT get sick?  However, I know that little boy wasn't our son.  And most likely, that realization will make it so much sweeter once our son or daughter does arrive.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

A Peaceful Reminder

In February, it will be 3 years since we first decided to pursue adoption.  I remember before then, I would think about having another child (we’d always wanted more than one) and I’d feel a burden.  I would have such a load. Would I have the same health issues I had before?  Would everything be different or would I not survive the next round and leave Dakota without a mom? Once we decided to adopt, I felt peace in our decision and the burden left.  I always felt like that was my sign that this was the right journey for us.

Over the past few months, I have questioned myself.  Maybe that person that said “I've seen bad experiences…I don’t feel right about this” was right.  Maybe we weren't supposed to adopt.  Maybe that’s why it’s taking so long.  I was questioning everything and then, I would get sad, maybe even in tears, because I was questioning.

About two months ago, an opportunity came open at work.  I felt like the job was a perfect fit for me and my background.  However, I tried to not pray to get the job, but instead to pray for things to work out the way they should.  I didn't get the job.

About two weeks later, I was approached about another position in our company.  It was something completely new for me – I've never done anything quite like it before.  It was exciting to think something might work out.  However, as the adversary is so good at presenting, confusion would follow.

Suddenly, the position I had applied for two weeks prior had another potential opening and I heard through the rumor mill that I might be considered. I found myself debating between the two.  At the time, I felt like I knew what I wanted and what fit me more, but I was tormented over what to do.  One night, I woke up every hour or so worrying about how this would work out and even woke up the next morning in tears.  Something had to give. 

When something doesn't feel just right, I've heard before that someone “didn't get the warm and fuzzies.”  Well, later that same day, I spoke to someone about the original position I had applied for and I didn't get those “warm and fuzzies.”  Before I went home that day, I made the decision that I should stop worrying about what might happen there and focus on this new opportunity that had come up.  Well, all of a sudden (within a few short hours), I had peace.  In my heart, I knew this was the right decision because the worry and fear I’d had for a week before melted away.  I was at peace.

I officially accepted the new position last Friday.  I am supposed to start this new adventure on October 20th. I honestly feel like God has worked this out for me.  It will definitely be something new for me and the unknown is a little scary, but I feel like this is where I’m supposed to be.  

 

So, what does this have to do with the adoption process? Well, last Thursday night at church, I was thinking about how it seemed like this was all working out and I realized something.  The peace that I felt when I decided that I needed to pursue this opportunity was the SAME PEACE I felt almost 3 years ago when we made the decision to adopt.  

Sometimes, we question things.  Maybe God has given us His answer, but when it doesn't happen right away, we start questioning Him.  Maybe we didn't hear His answer right.  Maybe we were mistaken.  This was a reminder to me that this is the path that we are supposed to be on and that it will happen in God’s time.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

A Quick Thank You

I read a blog post today discussing how different adoption is from pregnancy.   I cannot even explain how accurate that is.  Believe me – I've been on the pregnancy path (although somewhat unconventional) and now I’m on the adoption path.  While there may be similarities, things are tremendously different.

When you’re pregnant, it’s usually obvious.  Everyone makes a big deal about it – even people you don’t know.  There’s classes to prepare you for childbirth, there’s friends who share in your excitement, and there’s a normal path that everything follows, from the number of months you carry (again, unconventional for me) to at what point you find out the gender and even to the process of the baby being born.  Oh and let’s not forget, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

When you’re on the adoption journey, there’s no big belly for everyone (even strangers) to touch.  There’s no baby inside you to feel kick, turn somersaults, or get hiccups.  There’s no end in sight.  You’re simply waiting.  You feel alone – like none of your friends or family truly understands the ups and downs you’re feeling, because, quite frankly, most of them don’t. Some of them may even think adoption is the "easy" way - I mean, no labor pains, right? (I'm sure some of my adoption friends either groaned or laughed out loud at that one.)

However, there was one comment in the post that I didn't quite believe was true for me – that no one was there to hold your hand and support you when you felt like it was never going to happen.  While there are many people that have asked how our journey is going and I believe do really care, there are a few people that I feel holding me up – that are holding my hand through this process and give me strength on those days where I wonder if it’s ever going to happen.

So to those people – specifically, my husband, my son (who can cheer me up by just mentioning his brother or sister – or as he says brother-sister), my best friend, and my parents – I want to say thank you.  Thank you for being my hand to hold and my support.  I love you all!

Still waiting, hoping, and praying.

No News is Good News (Hopefully)

This won't be a very long post but I wanted to give a quick update since its been a while since I've written.

We have basically had absolutely no news for a few months now.  And guess what - I'm not completely a nervous wreck! Praise the Lord for calmness and peace!

We've had revival at our church this week and have had really good services over the past month or so.  It's amazing what a little spiritual reviving can do for you when your going through something like an adoption wait. My mind is no longer 100% focused on when we will get the call.  I still think about it quite often, but it's not at the forefront of my mind all the time.  And that helps tremendously.  I was about to drive myself crazy for a while.  Like I said, praise the Lord for peace!

It is so very true that God's timing is not our timing.  And that's because He sees the whole puzzle while we are just seeing piece by piece and what's already put together.  We can't see the end result so we don't always know what's best - but He can and He does.

Another benefit to having more peace about this is that it doesn't drive me crazy when people ask have we heard anything.  I can honestly say no and not get terribly discouraged about it.  They told us it could be 3 years and we are not there yet.  When the time comes for our baby to arrive, it will.  Until then, all we can do is keep waiting and try to focus on other things around us.

Still waiting, hoping and praying...

(Non)Update and a Beach Trip

Time for an update! Although can you really call it an update when you have nothing to update?

This has been one of the longest and most intense emotional roller coasters I’ve ever been on.  You have the peaks at the top of the hill, the very low valleys that sometimes feel like reach much faster than you reached the top, twists, turns, and even a few loopty loops.  It’s a real roller coaster only with your emotions.  Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good roller coaster.  However, it is much different when your body is making those peaks, valleys, twists, turns, and loops than when it’s your emotions.  Oh and two minutes is a little different than 2 years also. Give me the two minutes of throwing my body around a steel track anyday!

We did finally decide to get away as a family for a few days (and took my best friend's family along with us).  We took Memorial Day weekend and went to the beach.  LONG OVERDUE! I hadn’t been to the beach since a few weeks after I found out I was expecting Dakota.  This was Dakota’s first time to see the beach and feel sand and ocean water between his toes.  He loved it!

I’m including some pictures below of our trip.  Hope you enjoy!

As I said, this was Dakota's first time in the water.  He LOVED it! Please ignore my redneck husband's camo on in the water...

Dakota loved throwing the sand. 

This poor child has trouble taking pictures...He'll smile but before you can click the button to snap the picture, he'll look away.

If you look closely behind this picture, you'll see a fin.  It's a dolphin fin.  This place had more dolphins than I'd ever seen from a beach.  I had a blast watching them.

I just have to show this....me and my friend both looked like Casper out on the beach.  There were some bright white legs on that beach!

So before you judge me on the picture below, let me just say - I am no longer a fan of spray on sunscreen.  We were at the beach maybe 3 hours that morning.  I sprayed sunsreen on him before we left to go and once while we were there.   My poor baby got sunburned so badly on his back.  Needless to say, I went out that afternoon and bought him some suncreen lotion/cream and SLATHERED him in it the next day. 

Jon caught his first ocean fish from standing on the beach.  My little outdoorsmen was so happy!

On Sunday, we visited Fort Morgan.  It was cool for the boys to get to see a "REAL FORT!"

And of course, what trip is complete without go carts?  There's not too many go carts that little man is big enough to drive, but he had fun on this one!

Getting away was a good break for me.  It gave me a chance to clear my head a bit (at least for the weekend) and for a few days, every waking moment wasn't spent wondering when our baby would arrive.   This was definitely one of the most needed vacations I have ever taken.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying...

Praying for Rain

Last week and weekend were emotional for me.  For reasons that I won’t go into on here, it was difficult.  I went (within about 12 hours) from being excited and hopeful to being confused, hurt, and sad.  Sometimes, as much as you’re OK with your current circumstances, you still weep over what could have been.  Sometimes, as much as you try to have faith, it withers.

My husband has been strong for me throughout this wait.  He doesn’t say much about it without me bringing it up first (or at least didn’t for a while), but anytime I mention the fact that I am worrying or that my faith is lacking, he is always there to cheer me up and encourage me.  Last week, when I had my emotional meltdown, he was there for me.  My mom was also there for me.  Even when I completely deserved to have someone say “snap out of it” or “you’re making a mountain out of a molehill,” she didn’t.  Her words showed me that she understood I was hurting.  I’m so thankful to have my family supporting me.

Saturday, I bought the last two “must haves” that I thought needed before baby EJ arrives.  I needed (or wanted) to have a diaper bag ready.   I found a giraffe print diaper bag.  Of course that’s what I went with – have you seen the nursery? I also FINALLY decided on and bought some bottles.  Dr. Brown’s it is! I will probably think of things I need to get.  I still need to search through Dakota’s totes to see if I can find some burp clothes, which is one of the major things I need for my diaper bag. I’m sure I’ll think of other things, but I feel (mostly) prepared now.

On our way to church Sunday night, I mentioned to Jon that we might need to go ahead and get the car seat installed.  I’ve debated on whether to install it now or wait until we get the call.  Jon then reminded me of a story.  He didn’t have to tell me the whole story – I’d heard it before.  I may not get it word for word accurate, but I do want to share it with you.  I hope that someone else out there gets something good out of it as well.

Once upon a time, there was a land that was going through a major drought.  The people in the land needed rain and needed it badly.  Three men decided that they were going to go somewhere together and pray for rain.  They decided to meet at a certain time to do that.  When they met, one of the gentlemen was carrying an umbrella.  Of course, since it hadn’t rained in a while, the other two gentlemen wondered why in the world this man brought an umbrella during this drought.  The man’s reply was simple: “Aren’t we going to pray for rain?”

This story says so much about praying with faith.  If we are praying for something, shouldn’t we prepare for it to happen? If we are truly having faith, aren’t we expecting it? So, please don’t laugh if you see me in Walmart buying diapers or see us outside installing a car seat.  We are trying to have faith that our baby EJ will soon be home with his or her Mommy, Daddy, and big brother.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

Still Waiting

Hello! I realize it has been almost a month since my last update.  I really haven’t had much to update.  Our agency has sent some more pictures of baby feet.  I really hope this means we are moving up on the list.  My emotions are still crazy.  I saw a picture this week taken of a family at the moment their baby was about to be placed into their arms.  I almost cried – maybe even did a little.  It was beautiful. The dad had a huge smile on his face and you could tell from the picture that the mom was absolutely beside herself with emotion.  Beautiful.

I’m so anxious for the day we get the call.  I’m so excited to see the look on my son’s face when he meets his new baby brother or sister for the first time.  I have “big brother” shirts hanging in his closet just waiting. I have three of them to be exact.  I’m so excited for the emotions that I know I’ll feel – I almost get teary eyed just thinking about it.  I’m excited to see Jon’s face.  I’m excited to get to experience my parents meeting the baby for the first time.

You see, although most of these things (other than Dakota’s part) have been experienced by our family once before, I didn’t truly get to enjoy them.  The first time I met Dakota, I was still so doped up on medication that I was barely myself.   I can’t even remember for sure if I actually got to see when my parents first met him (don't think I did) and I know I didn’t get to see when Jon first met him (other than pictures).  I’m so excited to get to actually experience these things that most mothers get to experience with their first child.

So other than anxiousness for the future and patiently (sometimes, impatiently) waiting, what else is new with us? Well, we added a couple of new family members last month.   Meet Hulk and Fiesty. 

 

Hulk has longer hair and looks a little more like a lab than Fiesty.  They are ½ lab, ¼ shepherd, and ¼ bulldog mix.  When we first brought them home, they were kind of like infants – slept a lot.  Now, they are more like toddlers – into everything.  Every day when we come home, they have managed to move their house and usually flip over their food bowl over (with food in it). 

We made their first visit to the vet on the Saturday after we brought them home – they were about 8 weeks old.  Hulk weighed about 13lbs and Fiesty about 11lbs.  We are supposed to take them back either this weekend or next.  They will be about 11 weeks old this weekend.  It will be interested to see how much they’ve gained over 3 or 4 weeks.  They seem to be growing super fast.  They will likely be big dogs, but I was the kid who wanted a Saint Bernard growing up, so I’m ok with big dogs.  

I had to include this picture.  I saw a posting on Facebook of a little girl holding her cat. The caption read: "Get a human they said.  It will be fun they said."  I think that caption could fit this picture.

Other than the puppies, there’s not too much new going on since the last post.  I’m afraid to plan too much.  I was even a little afraid to buy tickets to the circus, not knowing what would happen by then.  Well, I finally caved last night.  I bought tickets – for this Saturday night.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying...

A Beautiful Reminder

I was working on a blog post for this week about how I am struggling with emotions (again) but then things changed – my spirits were lightened. One minute I’m up and excited and the next I’m doubtful and worried.  It’s amazing how just a quick conversation can change your entire perspective on things!

I was walking through our front office at work this morning and spotted a man that works for one of our vendors.  As some of you may know, I spent several years working for our company in our purchasing department, so I still know several of the vendors and they will speak to me if they see me around.  This particular man, Jeff, had another gentleman with him that I have seen before in the office.  As I was walking through, Jeff spoke to me and I stopped to speak.

The last time they were in, my dad (who they were meeting with) went to lunch with them and found out that the other gentleman had adopted a daughter from China several years ago.  Any time someone mentions the word “adopt”, my ears perk up.  I immediately get interested.  I want to know more,  hear more, talk to them, etc.  Dad told me a little bit that he knew and of course, I was interested.

When I saw these gentlemen in the office today, I couldn’t remember for sure if this was the same guy that Dad had told me had adopted or not.  Jeff asked me about Dakota so, of course, I filled him in.  We talked for a little bit and something came up about the baby.  Dad then told me this was the gentleman that had adopted the little girl.  This guy asked if we were trying to adopt and we began talking in more detail.

We talked about their trip to China, how old their daughter was when they adopted her, and just various things about the adoption process.  I thoroughly enjoyed that conversation.  I love when I meet someone who has “been there” – whether it’s domestic or international – and feel like I have a bond with that person.

One of the most beautiful stories that this gentleman told me was about when his daughter was in preschool.  Her teachers had wanted her to bring something in about China and since it was Chinese New Year, she had taken some Chinese items into school.  A little boy in her class said, “Grace, I didn’t know you were from China!”  To you and I, it would be obvious – if we saw a kid that appeared to be Chinese with a set of white parents (or a black child with white parents), we would immediately make assumptions. But to this little boy, she wasn’t “Grace, the girl adopted from China.” She was “his friend, Grace.” Her ethnic features didn’t matter to him.  To me, that was beautiful.

When answering the race question for our adoption, we felt like we had to take into account how the people around us (our community, our family, etc.) felt….and that saddened me.  Why does it matter? Jon and I felt like we could take a child of any color, love it and give it a home.  However, we felt as though our community (and some family) might not be supportive.  The support didn’t matter so much – but being concerned with how they would treat him or her (and Dakota) because of it did matter to us. But as I said, that saddened me – and still does.

The reason this little boy’s response to “Grace” is so beautiful to me is that it shows us that kids don’t care – unless they’re taught to care.  Kids don’t automatically think “I can’t play with this person” because they’re different” or “I can play with her but she can’t be my girlfriend.”  They just see their friend.

I’ve heard of people who didn’t want their kids to date outside of their race or even have friends of a different race.  I’m so thankful that my dad taught me to be good to everyone and not judge others based on the color of their skin.   Actually, he taught me not to judge others.

I don’t want my children to look at someone and decide anything about that person based on the color of their skin or their ethnic features.  I want them to learn the person and decide whether or not to be friends with that person based on their personality and their attitude. I hope that I can teach them that while we may look different than some of our friends, it really doesn’t matter.  I may not be able to change the world, but hopefully, I can at least make an impression on one or two little minds.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

Learning As I Go

Today is Valentine’s Day.  Two years ago today, we lost my father-in-law.  This man took a 2-year-old boy who wasn’t blood related to him and chose to raise him as his own.   Jon has been through a lot in his life, but the one person in his life that he would always take up for was his dad.  His dad would tell him he could do anything he wanted when others would tell him he wasn’t smart enough.  His dad was his source of encouragement.  I don’t even want to think about where Jon would be today or what kind of person he would’ve been had it not been for that man. We had just begun discussing adoption when he passed away and we never got to tell him about our plans to adopt.  I was thinking about that today and I wonder what his reaction would have been.   He might have encouraged us to be careful and make sure we knew what we were doing, but I think he would’ve been supportive of our decision. 

When we first began this journey, I really didn’t understand too much about adoption, although I thought I did. We were looking at it as a way to grow our family.  We thought we knew what was important and what wasn’t.  I will admit, though, I felt lost and inadequate completing some of the paperwork, like the Dear Birthmother letter – what do you say?

I’ve written before that for the first year on the waiting list, I didn’t do too much in the way of planning.  It never left my mind – don’t get me wrong - but it was something that I hoped would happen in the future.  After that first year passed, it became more real.

Over the past nine months, in addition to preparing the nursery, I also began reading more and learning more about the adoption process.  I’m not so much talking about the process itself, but more about birthmothers and the emotions surrounding the adoption process.  Even though I knew about some of the effects on adoptees from my husband’s experience, I had never really thought in too much depth about adoption from the birthmother’s perspective.

I think most people who have never been touched by private adoption have a stigma that they associate with birthmothers.  I think a lot of people assume birthmothers are all teenagers who are not ready to be parents.  I also think that a lot of people also have a negative impression of birthmothers and assume you should be constantly worried that she’ll try to “take the baby back” and that you should want as little contact as possible. I will admit that before we began this process, I probably had some of those same thoughts and it was all due to ignorance.

Sometime last year, I discovered a TV show called “I’m Having Their Baby.”  Some people didn’t like the name of the show.  I was less concerned with the title than the fact that this was a show about adoption – a subject that was, by that time, close to my heart.  To me, this show gave me a small glimpse into the lives of these women.  I saw teenage expectant moms but also an expectant mom in her 40s.  I saw girls who weren’t ready to be parents but also women who were already parenting children.  I saw some expectant moms who knew right away they wanted to make an adoption plan while others had trouble deciding.  Some ended up placing their children, others decided to parent.  While this show may not have been ideal and I’m sure had its flaws, I appreciated the fact that it gave me a different perspective on some of the reasons women choose to place and a look at some of the emotions related.

I have also had the benefit of finding a couple of forums for adoption and read posts by some birthmoms and adoptees.   It definitely gives you a different perspective. 

I know that there is a good chance that we may not know our child’s birthmother directly.  I can only hope that we have some information about her and the birthfather and that she wants to receive updates from us all along.  If she doesn’t, that’s fine – it’s her choice.   Most people that think they wouldn’t want any contact with her at all are only thinking about what would be best for them – they aren’t considering what she may need or what our child may need in the future.  I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to read and watch some of these things.  Over time, my thoughts, opinions, and biases have changed regarding adoption and birthmothers.  I now better understand that this process is not only about what’s “best for Jon and Holly,” but it’s about making sure this child has what it needs (including emotional support related to his or her birthparents) and trying our best to help our child’s birthparents in any way that we can. 

Two years ago, I rarely thought about her – other than that she would hopefully choose us to parent her child.  Now, I think about her quite frequently.  I pray that not only does she make good decisions during her pregnancy, but that she also finds peace and comfort in her decision. She is choosing to give this child LIFE – doesn’t she at least deserve our prayers and support instead of judgment?

I started this blog as a way to write my own feelings down regarding our adoption (without plastering it in Facebook status updates).  After I started it, I realized it would also be a great way after the adoption is complete to go back and see where we came from.  As an added bonus, I hope that it may help some readers who have never been affected by adoption gain a new perspective on some of the stereotypes and biases and help them learn a little about the process.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

Q&A

I’ll start off by giving a quick health update: Dad’s cancer is GONE!  His PSA level was below the point that they measure!  Thank God for that!

We are still battling sickness around our home/family – I finally went to the health clinic and got antibiotics for what they think is chronic sinusitis, my mom is on antibiotics for a sinus infection, and Dakota is right now battling the flu and a double ear infection.  Ouch.  I’m hoping all of this Tamiflu and antibiotics will help us get well sooner rather than later! We’ve been sick long enough! Even with that, you can always look around and find someone with more troubles and trials so I am thankful we are as well as we are.

I decided that, for this post, I’d do some Q&A.  Some of these are questions that I have actually been asked or someone close to me has been asked.  Others are questions I imagine people want to ask and probably have asked before.

1)      Have you heard anything? Or what’s new?

a.       Nothing.  Well, we hear when there are forever families created, but that doesn’t tell us where we are on the list now.  We have no idea if we’re number 1, 5, or 15 on the list (we could guess, but we’d almost surely be wrong if we tried).  As much as we’ve told people we probably won’t know anything in advance, we still get this question over and over.   I know that most people are just excited for us and I’m glad that they’re interested. I have decided that I really need to start keeping a list of everyone that says “when it happens, make sure to let me know” so my parents can start calling/emailing!

2)      Do you know if it will be a boy or a girl?

a.       We also probably won’t know this ahead of time.  If we had another baby biologically, we wouldn’t choose the gender so we decided we were ok with not choosing this way either.  We have names picked out for both.  We picked out our girl name when we were expecting Dakota.  We picked out our boy name before the first bit of paperwork was completed.  We’ve changed the girl name a time or two but finally went back to our original pick.  The boy name has stayed the same since February 28, 2012.  I remember the day because that’s the day we met with our agency for the first time.  We picked out our boy name on the way to Birmingham.

3)      What if it has something wrong with it, like cerebral palsy?

a.       I used that example because someone asked that exact question (to someone close to me).  This one stunned me (and I think my temper even rose a little).  I mean, how do you ask a question like that?  What if we had another baby biologically and it had something wrong with it?  I think this is one of the most insensitive comments I have heard. We had to answer all kinds of questions about health related issues that we could accept but that is not anyone else’s business.   

4)      Aren’t you worried about genetics?

a.       Again, this one stunned me (and it was asked in the same conversation as #3).  Let’s see – between mine and Jon’s family history, we have a LOT of health issues in our bloodlines.  I’m sure most of us have something in our family history that worries us or concerns us.  Yes, I’m sure if we found out our child’s family has a history of some horrible disease, it will worry us, but do you actually think it would make us love our child any less?

5)      Aren’t you worried about the birthmother changing her mind?

a.       I’m not sure that any adoptive parent or prospective adoptive parent can honestly answer this with “no” until the adoption is final.  Of course there will be that worry – although, from what I understand, it’s not always as simple as “changing their mind” after the revocation period.

6)      She’s not going to know anything about you, right? Or wouldn’t you rather have a closed adoption?

a.       These types of questions are usually coming from people who are concerned, usually because they have heard some horror story.  In our case, our adoption will likely be semi-open, meaning she will know our first names and we’ll know her first name but no identifying information.  Would I prefer it to be a closed adoption? Absolutely not.  I love the fact that we may, if she chooses, have the opportunity to provide updates on our child. I love the fact that (if they both choose), our child may have to opportunity to find his or her birthparents someday.   I watched my husband long for the day he could see what his birth father looked like and through him, have understood the need that some kids have to know where they came from.  I fully intend to support our child if s/he ever decides to try to find his/her birthparents.

7)      Maybe you should just be thankful for the one you have.

a.       First, I know this isn’t really a question but please never say this to someone who is trying to make their family complete.  This implies that you think by wanting more than one child, it somehow means you aren’t thankful for the first one.  That is not true, is insulting, and just plain hurtful.    I am so thankful for Dakota – I’m thankful that he is healthy (as far as we know) and happy.  That does not take away my desire for another child though.  If you have more than one child, ask yourself this – did you love your first born any less because you had a second?  Did wanting more than one mean you weren’t thankful for your first born?

I don’t mind talking about our adoption process – at all.  I love talking about it, in fact.  Someone I work with asked me a while back about the process because she was considering trying to adopt herself.  I absolutely love talking about it to people who are genuinely interested.  If you have any questions about our process or how it works, please don’t be afraid to ask.

I truly believe we were chosen to go down this path and have learned to be thankful for that.  I do sometimes feel unworthy of this path because I think adoption is such a great thing.  I don’t look at it as second rate or second best – I think it’s wonderful! So please forgive me if I’m taken back a bit with questions and comments that indicate it is an unfavorable second choice.

Still waiting, hoping & praying.