Our Family

Our Family

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Q&A


I’ll start off by giving a quick health update: Dad’s cancer is GONE!  His PSA level was below the point that they measure!  Thank God for that!
We are still battling sickness around our home/family – I finally went to the health clinic and got antibiotics for what they think is chronic sinusitis, my mom is on antibiotics for a sinus infection, and Dakota is right now battling the flu and a double ear infection.  Ouch.  I’m hoping all of this Tamiflu and antibiotics will help us get well sooner rather than later! We’ve been sick long enough! Even with that, you can always look around and find someone with more troubles and trials so I am thankful we are as well as we are.
I decided that, for this post, I’d do some Q&A.  Some of these are questions that I have actually been asked or someone close to me has been asked.  Others are questions I imagine people want to ask and probably have asked before.
1)      Have you heard anything? Or what’s new?
a.       Nothing.  Well, we hear when there are forever families created, but that doesn’t tell us where we are on the list now.  We have no idea if we’re number 1, 5, or 15 on the list (we could guess, but we’d almost surely be wrong if we tried).  As much as we’ve told people we probably won’t know anything in advance, we still get this question over and over.   I know that most people are just excited for us and I’m glad that they’re interested. I have decided that I really need to start keeping a list of everyone that says “when it happens, make sure to let me know” so my parents can start calling/emailing!
2)      Do you know if it will be a boy or a girl?
a.       We also probably won’t know this ahead of time.  If we had another baby biologically, we wouldn’t choose the gender so we decided we were ok with not choosing this way either.  We have names picked out for both.  We picked out our girl name when we were expecting Dakota.  We picked out our boy name before the first bit of paperwork was completed.  We’ve changed the girl name a time or two but finally went back to our original pick.  The boy name has stayed the same since February 28, 2012.  I remember the day because that’s the day we met with our agency for the first time.  We picked out our boy name on the way to Birmingham.
3)      What if it has something wrong with it, like cerebral palsy?
a.       I used that example because someone asked that exact question (to someone close to me).  This one stunned me (and I think my temper even rose a little).  I mean, how do you ask a question like that?  What if we had another baby biologically and it had something wrong with it?  I think this is one of the most insensitive comments I have heard. We had to answer all kinds of questions about health related issues that we could accept but that is not anyone else’s business.   
4)      Aren’t you worried about genetics?
a.       Again, this one stunned me (and it was asked in the same conversation as #3).  Let’s see – between mine and Jon’s family history, we have a LOT of health issues in our bloodlines.  I’m sure most of us have something in our family history that worries us or concerns us.  Yes, I’m sure if we found out our child’s family has a history of some horrible disease, it will worry us, but do you actually think it would make us love our child any less?
5)      Aren’t you worried about the birthmother changing her mind?
a.       I’m not sure that any adoptive parent or prospective adoptive parent can honestly answer this with “no” until the adoption is final.  Of course there will be that worry – although, from what I understand, it’s not always as simple as “changing their mind” after the revocation period.
6)      She’s not going to know anything about you, right? Or wouldn’t you rather have a closed adoption?
a.       These types of questions are usually coming from people who are concerned, usually because they have heard some horror story.  In our case, our adoption will likely be semi-open, meaning she will know our first names and we’ll know her first name but no identifying information.  Would I prefer it to be a closed adoption? Absolutely not.  I love the fact that we may, if she chooses, have the opportunity to provide updates on our child. I love the fact that (if they both choose), our child may have to opportunity to find his or her birthparents someday.   I watched my husband long for the day he could see what his birth father looked like and through him, have understood the need that some kids have to know where they came from.  I fully intend to support our child if s/he ever decides to try to find his/her birthparents.
7)      Maybe you should just be thankful for the one you have.
a.       First, I know this isn’t really a question but please never say this to someone who is trying to make their family complete.  This implies that you think by wanting more than one child, it somehow means you aren’t thankful for the first one.  That is not true, is insulting, and just plain hurtful.    I am so thankful for Dakota – I’m thankful that he is healthy (as far as we know) and happy.  That does not take away my desire for another child though.  If you have more than one child, ask yourself this – did you love your first born any less because you had a second?  Did wanting more than one mean you weren’t thankful for your first born?
I don’t mind talking about our adoption process – at all.  I love talking about it, in fact.  Someone I work with asked me a while back about the process because she was considering trying to adopt herself.  I absolutely love talking about it to people who are genuinely interested.  If you have any questions about our process or how it works, please don’t be afraid to ask.
I truly believe we were chosen to go down this path and have learned to be thankful for that.  I do sometimes feel unworthy of this path because I think adoption is such a great thing.  I don’t look at it as second rate or second best – I think it’s wonderful! So please forgive me if I’m taken back a bit with questions and comments that indicate it is an unfavorable second choice.
Still waiting, hoping & praying. 

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