Today is Valentine’s Day. Two years ago today, we lost my father-in-law. This man took a 2-year-old boy who wasn’t blood related to him and chose to raise him as his own. Jon has been through a lot in his life, but the one person in his life that he would always take up for was his dad. His dad would tell him he could do anything he wanted when others would tell him he wasn’t smart enough. His dad was his source of encouragement. I don’t even want to think about where Jon would be today or what kind of person he would’ve been had it not been for that man. We had just begun discussing adoption when he passed away and we never got to tell him about our plans to adopt. I was thinking about that today and I wonder what his reaction would have been. He might have encouraged us to be careful and make sure we knew what we were doing, but I think he would’ve been supportive of our decision.
When we first began this journey, I really didn’t understand too much about adoption, although I thought I did. We were looking at it as a way to grow our family. We thought we knew what was important and what wasn’t. I will admit, though, I felt lost and inadequate completing some of the paperwork, like the Dear Birthmother letter – what do you say?
I’ve written before that for the first year on the waiting list, I didn’t do too much in the way of planning. It never left my mind – don’t get me wrong - but it was something that I hoped would happen in the future. After that first year passed, it became more real.
Over the past nine months, in addition to preparing the nursery, I also began reading more and learning more about the adoption process. I’m not so much talking about the process itself, but more about birthmothers and the emotions surrounding the adoption process. Even though I knew about some of the effects on adoptees from my husband’s experience, I had never really thought in too much depth about adoption from the birthmother’s perspective.
I think most people who have never been touched by private adoption have a stigma that they associate with birthmothers. I think a lot of people assume birthmothers are all teenagers who are not ready to be parents. I also think that a lot of people also have a negative impression of birthmothers and assume you should be constantly worried that she’ll try to “take the baby back” and that you should want as little contact as possible. I will admit that before we began this process, I probably had some of those same thoughts and it was all due to ignorance.
Sometime last year, I discovered a TV show called “I’m Having Their Baby.” Some people didn’t like the name of the show. I was less concerned with the title than the fact that this was a show about adoption – a subject that was, by that time, close to my heart. To me, this show gave me a small glimpse into the lives of these women. I saw teenage expectant moms but also an expectant mom in her 40s. I saw girls who weren’t ready to be parents but also women who were already parenting children. I saw some expectant moms who knew right away they wanted to make an adoption plan while others had trouble deciding. Some ended up placing their children, others decided to parent. While this show may not have been ideal and I’m sure had its flaws, I appreciated the fact that it gave me a different perspective on some of the reasons women choose to place and a look at some of the emotions related.
I have also had the benefit of finding a couple of forums for adoption and read posts by some birthmoms and adoptees. It definitely gives you a different perspective.
I know that there is a good chance that we may not know our child’s birthmother directly. I can only hope that we have some information about her and the birthfather and that she wants to receive updates from us all along. If she doesn’t, that’s fine – it’s her choice. Most people that think they wouldn’t want any contact with her at all are only thinking about what would be best for them – they aren’t considering what she may need or what our child may need in the future. I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to read and watch some of these things. Over time, my thoughts, opinions, and biases have changed regarding adoption and birthmothers. I now better understand that this process is not only about what’s “best for Jon and Holly,” but it’s about making sure this child has what it needs (including emotional support related to his or her birthparents) and trying our best to help our child’s birthparents in any way that we can.
Two years ago, I rarely thought about her – other than that she would hopefully choose us to parent her child. Now, I think about her quite frequently. I pray that not only does she make good decisions during her pregnancy, but that she also finds peace and comfort in her decision. She is choosing to give this child LIFE – doesn’t she at least deserve our prayers and support instead of judgment?
I started this blog as a way to write my own feelings down regarding our adoption (without plastering it in Facebook status updates). After I started it, I realized it would also be a great way after the adoption is complete to go back and see where we came from. As an added bonus, I hope that it may help some readers who have never been affected by adoption gain a new perspective on some of the stereotypes and biases and help them learn a little about the process.
Still waiting, hoping, and praying…
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