The Process & The Wait

Wednesday, February 8, 2012, was a day that affected our future more than anything had in a long time.  I received an email from one of our local DHR social workers stating that they were in need of foster and adoptive families and asking us to post a flyer at our church. 

Let’s rewind a bit.  Jon & I had begun talking about having another baby.  Every time we’d talk about it or I’d think about it, I’d get nervous, anxious, and basically scared.  I had decided I’d just have to deal with it and accept the risks in order for us to do what we’d always wanted – have another child.  The best way I can describe that feeling was a load.

When I received this email on February 8, I called the social worker and found out that in our area, there is no foster-to-adopt program exactly and that there is no guarantee when a baby is placed with you that it will come up for adoption.  I was also told that most babies are adopted by their foster parents. We felt that it would be too difficult for us and to explain to Dakota if we were to get a baby for several months, become attached and it later be taken away.  I can’t guarantee you that I would never want to do that or that it will always not be the right answer for us, but it just wasn’t at that time.  However, I felt that this email was a sign. 

Up until shortly before Dakota’s birth, my mom worked at our local DHR office. She knew most of the people there and still kept in contact with some of them.  The social worker had told me that she got my email address from someone there – it blew my mind how they would have or get MY email address and not send this flyer to my mom, since she’s the one most of them knew so well.  Why would they decide to send it to me?  I felt like this might be a sign that we should consider adoption.  I talked to Jon about what had happened and how he felt and got the reassurance: he had the same thought – this could be a sign.

Although we decided that perhaps foster care wasn’t the route for us at the time, the social worker did end up sending me a list of approved agencies in Alabama.   One agency on that list seemed to stand out to me. Don’t ask me why, but they stood out.  I sent a request to another agency for information but that agency never seemed to click.  Maybe it was their name – maybe it was my being able to understand and connect with the testimonials on their website. I’m not sure what it was, but this one agency stood out. 

Within a day or two, Jon & I had decided that we wanted to pursue this option.  When we made the decision to try to adopt, the load lifted.  I was no longer nervous, anxious, and scared about risking my life (and leaving the child that I already had) to have another child.  I called the agency and later that day, the social worker called me back.  I stood in Wal-Mart talking to her for a while about the process, the wait, etc.  The first step would be to meet with the agency.  Jon and I planned a trip to Birmingham to meet with the agency.  We met with them on February 28, 2012.  By the time we left the office that day, we KNEW this was the road we were going to travel.  

By mid-May 2012, we had completed our home study.  Those 2.5 months were stressful – FBI fingerprinting, medical exams, copies of birth certificates and marriage certificate, writing autobiographies, gathering pictures of us and the house (because they had to be “perfect”, you know), and completing the application.  We had to answer questions about ourselves and a lot of questions that would help match us to our baby.  Those were the hardest. What race will you accept? What special needs will you accept? What kinds of drugs/alcohol are you comfortable with (coming from birth parents)?  We felt like we were playing God having to answer those questions.

Then the wait began.  Our social worker estimated 2-3 years from the time our home study was complete. The first year wasn’t too hard for me.  I guess because we knew it would be longer than that, I didn’t go into over planning mode.  I didn’t worry about the nursery or being ready for the baby.  I knew it wasn’t time.  It seemed like shortly after that first year passed, my mind went into overdrive.   The baby has nowhere to sleep!  I need a car seat!  We need to finish the nursery!  Is the house ready?  I quickly went into preparing mode.  Finally, by around October of this year, we had the nursery pretty much complete (except a changing table that Jon finally started working on last night!) and a pack-n-play and car seat sitting in the nursery.

I’ve slowly begun buying up diapers and a few things here and there.  Last night, I got some of Dakota’s bottles down and starting looking through what I have.  I think I have officially begun to feel the agony of “the wait.”  Could it be today? Could it be tomorrow? Could it be next month? Next year? I just don’t know.  I’m getting excited, anxious, and nervous all bundled together.  But this wait is hard. 

The not knowing is the worst part.  With a pregnancy, you have a light at the end of your tunnel.  With adoption, you can't really see that light.  You have no idea have close you are to the end - all you have to go on is faith, hope, and lots of prayers.

If nothing else, adoption teaches you to have patience.  There’s no other option.  You have to have patience.  I looked up the word patience on dictionary.com and here’s what one of the definitions said:

An ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay

Wow.  Well, I (and I’m sure Jon would agree) may not be doing a very good job of suppressing my restlessness, but we don’t really have a choice.  There’s not much we can do on this end except hope, pray and wait. 

Our agency sent a video for us to watch.  It was a couple who’d struggled with infertility for something like 9 years and they were meeting their son for the first time.  In the video, the new dad talked about how they had not waited for 9 years for a baby but rather were waiting for THIS baby.  That’s what I have to remember – we’re not just waiting on a baby or any baby.  We are waiting on OUR baby.  And we have to remember that it depends on God’s timing, not ours.

Still waiting, hoping & praying…