The Process & The Wait

Wednesday, February 8, 2012, was a day that affected our future more than anything had in a long time.  I received an email from one of our local DHR social workers stating that they were in need of foster and adoptive families and asking us to post a flyer at our church. 

Let’s rewind a bit.  Jon & I had begun talking about having another baby.  Every time we’d talk about it or I’d think about it, I’d get nervous, anxious, and basically scared.  I had decided I’d just have to deal with it and accept the risks in order for us to do what we’d always wanted – have another child.  The best way I can describe that feeling was a load.

When I received this email on February 8, I called the social worker and found out that in our area, there is no foster-to-adopt program exactly and that there is no guarantee when a baby is placed with you that it will come up for adoption.  I was also told that most babies are adopted by their foster parents. We felt that it would be too difficult for us and to explain to Dakota if we were to get a baby for several months, become attached and it later be taken away.  I can’t guarantee you that I would never want to do that or that it will always not be the right answer for us, but it just wasn’t at that time.  However, I felt that this email was a sign. 

Up until shortly before Dakota’s birth, my mom worked at our local DHR office. She knew most of the people there and still kept in contact with some of them.  The social worker had told me that she got my email address from someone there – it blew my mind how they would have or get MY email address and not send this flyer to my mom, since she’s the one most of them knew so well.  Why would they decide to send it to me?  I felt like this might be a sign that we should consider adoption.  I talked to Jon about what had happened and how he felt and got the reassurance: he had the same thought – this could be a sign.

Although we decided that perhaps foster care wasn’t the route for us at the time, the social worker did end up sending me a list of approved agencies in Alabama.   One agency on that list seemed to stand out to me. Don’t ask me why, but they stood out.  I sent a request to another agency for information but that agency never seemed to click.  Maybe it was their name – maybe it was my being able to understand and connect with the testimonials on their website. I’m not sure what it was, but this one agency stood out. 

Within a day or two, Jon & I had decided that we wanted to pursue this option.  When we made the decision to try to adopt, the load lifted.  I was no longer nervous, anxious, and scared about risking my life (and leaving the child that I already had) to have another child.  I called the agency and later that day, the social worker called me back.  I stood in Wal-Mart talking to her for a while about the process, the wait, etc.  The first step would be to meet with the agency.  Jon and I planned a trip to Birmingham to meet with the agency.  We met with them on February 28, 2012.  By the time we left the office that day, we KNEW this was the road we were going to travel.  

By mid-May 2012, we had completed our home study.  Those 2.5 months were stressful – FBI fingerprinting, medical exams, copies of birth certificates and marriage certificate, writing autobiographies, gathering pictures of us and the house (because they had to be “perfect”, you know), and completing the application.  We had to answer questions about ourselves and a lot of questions that would help match us to our baby.  Those were the hardest. What race will you accept? What special needs will you accept? What kinds of drugs/alcohol are you comfortable with (coming from birth parents)?  We felt like we were playing God having to answer those questions.

Then the wait began.  Our social worker estimated 2-3 years from the time our home study was complete. The first year wasn’t too hard for me.  I guess because we knew it would be longer than that, I didn’t go into over planning mode.  I didn’t worry about the nursery or being ready for the baby.  I knew it wasn’t time.  It seemed like shortly after that first year passed, my mind went into overdrive.   The baby has nowhere to sleep!  I need a car seat!  We need to finish the nursery!  Is the house ready?  I quickly went into preparing mode.  Finally, by around October of this year, we had the nursery pretty much complete (except a changing table that Jon finally started working on last night!) and a pack-n-play and car seat sitting in the nursery.

I’ve slowly begun buying up diapers and a few things here and there.  Last night, I got some of Dakota’s bottles down and starting looking through what I have.  I think I have officially begun to feel the agony of “the wait.”  Could it be today? Could it be tomorrow? Could it be next month? Next year? I just don’t know.  I’m getting excited, anxious, and nervous all bundled together.  But this wait is hard. 

The not knowing is the worst part.  With a pregnancy, you have a light at the end of your tunnel.  With adoption, you can't really see that light.  You have no idea have close you are to the end - all you have to go on is faith, hope, and lots of prayers.

If nothing else, adoption teaches you to have patience.  There’s no other option.  You have to have patience.  I looked up the word patience on dictionary.com and here’s what one of the definitions said:

An ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay

Wow.  Well, I (and I’m sure Jon would agree) may not be doing a very good job of suppressing my restlessness, but we don’t really have a choice.  There’s not much we can do on this end except hope, pray and wait. 

Our agency sent a video for us to watch.  It was a couple who’d struggled with infertility for something like 9 years and they were meeting their son for the first time.  In the video, the new dad talked about how they had not waited for 9 years for a baby but rather were waiting for THIS baby.  That’s what I have to remember – we’re not just waiting on a baby or any baby.  We are waiting on OUR baby.  And we have to remember that it depends on God’s timing, not ours.

Still waiting, hoping & praying…

On Time

We had an absolutely wonderful church service this morning.  There was so much encouragement and such a good, peaceful feeling there. A good friend of ours started a song and probably about 1/2 through it, I started realizing just how appropriate the words of that song were:

You can't hurry God.  You'll just have to wait. 

Trust in Him.  Call on Him.  No matter how long it takes.

He's a God that you can't hurry.  He'll be there so don't you worry.

He may not come when you call him but He'll come on time.

After this song, Dad started talking to the church and really focused on Galatians 6:9:

Be not weary in well doing: for in due season, we shall reap if we faint not.

Dad started talking about how this relates to prayer.  He talked about how we shouldn't get discouraged if our prayers aren't being answered right away but instead remember that our prayers ARE reaching the Throne! The service was such a good reminder that regardless of our prayers and needs, God hears each one.  He even hears the ones that feel like they are leaving our mouth and hitting the floor in front of us.

Last night was our Christmas play at church.  I get so stressed before the play each year and each year it turns out fine.  After being so stressed and worried, the play was finally over.  Everyone (for the most part) did their parts and the hard work payed off.  But my prize came after the play.

If you've read many of my blog posts, you've seen that I have struggled at times with people making comments that hurt me related to our adoption.  As much as I'd like to not care what people think, I sometimes do.  It helps when you have encouragement instead of discouragement.  My mom tries to tell me to focus on the good things that happen and not those that make negative comments. The more good things that happen, the easier it becomes to focus on those.

After the play was over, I was sitting in the kitchen holding my friend's baby that she is hoping to soon adopt.  A sister from our church came up to me.  Her words went something like this: "I've really had y'all on my mind lately.  I've been trying to pray for you and have felt God.  I really feel like it could be any day that you get a call to go get a baby." I almost cried.  It helped me SO much to know that this dear sister cared enough about us to pray for us and was happy and excited for us!

I don't know when we'll get the call - it could be 3 months, it could be 6 months, it could be another year.  But regardless of when, I know God hears our prayers.  He hears each one of them. He knows our hearts, our desires, and our needs before we even pray.  As the song says, "He may not come when you call Him but He'll come on time!"

I have one request before I go today.  The closer we get to our baby, the more I realize that his or her birth mother could be expecting NOW.  She chose / is choosing to give this child life and to do what she feels is best for this child. If you believe in the power of prayer, please help us pray for our baby's birth mother/birth parents.  This has to be a difficult time for her/them.   Please help us pray that she (and he if involved) makes wise choices for herself and the baby and that she finds peace and contentment in her decision.

Still waiting, hoping & praying.....

Opinions & Bloodlines

It amazes me how different people have such different views when the word "adoption" is brought up. Its also kind of funny how you can read people without them really saying what they're thinking.

My mom and I had lunch today and ran into someone we knew.  The person asked me if we were ready for baby #2.  I explained that we were trying to adopt (and why, although that's not really any one's business).  The person answered with something like "Oh really? Maybe everything will work out."  While the person was cordial and nice, I could get from the conversation that adoption was a bit of a taboo subject. 

Yesterday, I took Dakota to a birthday party for a classmate.  The child's aunt sat down by me and the fact that we were trying to adopt came up.  She started telling me how she had wanted to adopt at one point herself.  I felt comfortable talking to her about the whole process probably because I felt like she understood - at least on some level.  I didn't feel like she was judging me or discouraging, but rather a supportive ear. When you start talking to someone about it for the first time, you never know what kind of reaction you will get, so one like this is always welcome.

When thinking about these two experiences, I've realized there are generally three types of opinions related to adoptions: those that immediately try to discourage you, those that may not say anything but you get the impression they're not pro-adoption, and then those that support you whole heartedly.  I have had experiences with all three types of opinions throughout our process.

If you've ever been pregnant, there's a good chance you've had problems with people thinking that your stomach is public property.  Similarly with adoption, people sometimes think that your decision is up to them or fair game for their opinion.

I've always thought adoption was a very neat thing.  I never realized there were so many negative opinions out there, especially when it comes to infant adoption. It blows my mind that there are people that think you can't love a child properly if their bloodline isn't the same as yours.   I just can't fathom this.  I don't love Dakota because he shares the same bloodline as me.  I love him because he's my child.  It also blows my mind that anyone, especially a Christian, would think that you shouldn't give a child a loving, Christian home just because their bloodline is different.

I was born to my parents 31 years ago.  Nineteen and a half years ago, I was adopted as a child of God.  I am so thankful that God didn't care about bloodlines.  What if He had decided that Jesus was His only heir since Jesus was His only "biological" child?  What if He had decided that we weren't His "biological" children so He didn't need or want us? I'm thankful that He saw differently and adopted me as one of His children.

While I am learning that not everyone is supportive nor does everyone need to be, it still catches me off guard sometimes. But I am truly thankful for those people who are supportive and behind us 100% of the way.

Still waiting, hoping & praying...

Big Brother

We have tried to prepare Dakota for being a big brother. Sometimes, I think he gets it. Other times, not so much. I'm trying (at advice of others) to make sure he does not feel "left out." He hears us talk about the adoption, baby, and his brother/sister quiet often though. I don't want him to worry about what life will be like after the baby gets here. I don't want him to think we will love him less because there's a new baby around. I want him to "get it" but he's just 4.

Our church believes in praying on our knees. When we have prayer at church, everyone will get on their knees and pray together. One night a few months ago, Dakota and I were kneeling down at church. I told him to not forget to pray for his brother-sister. This is what I hear:

Lord, please send me a brother-sister. Please send the right one. We'll take good care of it.

Now, you can imagine what this did to my heart. It almost makes me cry just typing it. Maybe he does get it. Maybe he understands it ALL. What better prayer could be prayed? We do want the "right" one - the baby that is meant to be in our little family, that will flourish with us, and that's meant for us. Sometimes we get greedy and want things to happen NOW. I want my baby NOW. I want my family to be complete NOW. But this isn't really about what I want. This is about His plan. We want the right one at the right time and only He knows that.

If you could tell from the picture of the nursery, I am decorating with giraffes. There's not some poetic meaning behind it. I just like giraffes and thought they would go well with that color (Tinkerbell green). I had found a Melissa & Doug stuffed giraffe that was about 5' tall and I loved it - it would be the perfect addition to the nursery. The only issue is that it was VERY expensive. I could NOT make myself pay that much. This week, Amazon offered a deal on that very giraffe for about 46% off plus free shipping. I decided to go for it because I figured I would regret it later if I didn't. No where was selling it that cheap and even if they did, would definitely not offer free shipping with it.

 

When I got to Mom's that night, I told Dakota about buying the giraffe for the baby's room. I said a little bit about maybe it could be the baby's Christmas present because I didn't want him to feel bad for the baby's room getting a new addition. A little while later, he walked into the kitchen with a little giraffe toy and said, "This is for the baby's room." Then, a few minutes later, he had a tiny little stuffed giraffe that he also wanted to take home for the baby's room. When we got home, he took those two little animals and placed them next to another stuffed giraffe that I had placed in there. He was so proud that he got to help put something in there and "finish" it.

I am dreaming of the day that we can do the "big brother/little brother" or "big brother/little sister" pictures and my family will be complete. I'm sure we'll have at least some jealousy and as they get older, they'll argue and fight, but overall, I believe Dakota will be a good big brother. But for now, we'll just keep waiting and preparing...

Baby EJ - Mommy, Daddy & Big Brother are waiting for you!

Happy Veteran's Day

A while back, I read about an Asian-American couple that were living in the Middle East (I don't remember the country but they were there for his job).  The couple had adopted three children from Africa.  The little girl had a disease that was a result of malnourishment before she was adopted and ended up passing away.  As if this family didn't have enough to deal with, the government in the country they were living in said that there was no way the couple would want to adopt "unattractive" looking children who did not look like them and were not related to them.  They MUST have done it for human trafficking and obviously they murdered the little girl. This upset me so badly.  I have lived such a sheltered life in the US that I didn't realize that this kind of thinking even existed.  How dare someone think a child doesn't deserve a home because they're not "blood" related or because they look different?

I was thinking about this today and what today represents.  Men and women fought for our wonderful country so that we could be free - we have freedom to worship as we please (for the most part) and say what we want (again, for the most part). I was able to marry my husband because I loved him - not because someone "arranged it."  I don't agree with most of what our government does today and am not completely happy with the shape our country is in today.  However, as bad as things seem, we still live in a FREE country and for that, I am thankful.

As I'm writing this, I think back to a few days ago.  Dakota was asking me about the wise men and why they brought gifts to baby Jesus.  He sat down in my lap and we had a conversation about King Herod, the wise men, and their gifts to baby Jesus.  I realized while writing this post that being able to have that conversation with my son is something many mother's do not have the privilege of having. Jon & I have the RIGHT and the FREEDOM to tell our son about Jesus - His birth, His life, His death, and His resurrection. 

Dakota sings a song called "God Likes People."  In the chorus, it says "God likes people, any shape, any color, any size.  You don't have to be an angel to be really special in his eyes."  God has adopted us as his children.  He doesn't love us because we are blood or because we resemble His looks.  We are His children and He loves us regardless of our shape, color, or size. 

I know there are people out there who sadly think that you can't love someone who isn't your blood - at least not the same.  There are people who don't believe adoption is a good thing.  But I'm thankful that overall - this country is pretty accepting of the idea, especially compared to that country in the Middle East.  For my freedom to live, worship, pray, be happy, love, and even freedom to adopt, I would like to say thank you to all of the Veterans out there.  Happy Veteran's Day!

Being Thankful

The closer we get to our miracle, the more anxious I get.  I think I've started nesting a bit - wanting to get everything "ready."  We cleaned off our front porch this weekend and pressure washed it.  I've been trying to stay more "on-top" of things like the dishes in the sink or the laundry to be done. I want to make sure I'm as ready as I can be when we get "the call."

Very recently, I've begun day dreaming.  It sounds like such a childish thing to do, but i must admit it - I have "dreamed" about getting "the call."  How will I react? What will they say on "the call?"  How much will I know before we leave?  I can't help but think about those things and more.  I'm trying to be patient and wait.  But as much as I know we will get the call when it's THE baby that God has picked for us, I still get anxious and excited.

This month, I started the 30 day thankful challenge on Facebook.  Some people have commented that they don't want to participate because they feel you should be thankful year round.  While I agree with that, I enjoy this challenge each year.  It's not that I'm not thankful on the other 335 days in the year.  However, I believe that, at least for me personally, it's good to take a step back and just think about all that God's done for me.  Sure, it's easy at first - thankful for my salvation, my son, my husband, my parents.  But once you get to day 20, it's not quite so straightforward.  It's not that you don't have anything to be thankful for but sometimes we fail to realize exactly what ALL we should be thankful for.  I think it's a good idea to force yourself to look at your life and see the little things (and maybe some big ones that you don't think about everyday) to be thankful for.

Once thing I am very thankful for that may not be discussed fully on that Facebook challenge is that God picked this road for us.  When we first started this process, adoption was almost a 2nd choice.  I would have loved to have biologically had another child, but I was scared to death to go down that road.  The first peace I had about a 2nd child was when we decided to adopt.  Almost 21 months after making that decision, I have fallen in love with this road.  Shows like "I'm Having Their Baby" helped me better understand what birthmothers likely go through when making the decision to make an adoption plan.  I honestly believe watching this show will help me have more compassion and understanding for what our miracle's birthparents might go through.  I've also joined an adoption forum where I have the opportunity to read posts and suggestions from others who have been there/done that.  While the path to adoption is hard, emotional, and puts you on a different road than almost anyone else you know, I know in the end, it will all be more than worth it.

This journey has taught me to trust in God - that He knows what's best for our family.  Its taught me patience (althouth I'm still not very good at that sometimes).  Most of all, this journey has taught me a lot about faith.  Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) says "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  FAITH caused us to begin this journey.  FAITH helps us make it through many many days spent waiting.  FAITH helped us get the nursery setup.  And most of all, FAITH keeps us from getting discouraged along the way.  We have FAITH that our baby is either on its way or will be on its way to us when HIS timing is right.

Getting things done...

This will be short - I need to get my little man settled down for school tomorrow! Since the past week has been so successful, I wanted to share a little bit about what all we've managed to get done.  Some of you may know, but a few weeks ago, I started stressing out over not having things done - WHAT IF I get the call and don't have the necessities?

• Ordered Pack N Play on Friday.  Scheduled to arrive tomorrow!
• Ordered the car seat I had picked out from  Babies R Us. 
• Successfully removed old spit up stains from several articles of clothing that had been given to me free.
• Hang/folded baby clothes.
• Got crib ready for assembly...amazing how dusty something can get lying under your bed.
• CAR SEAT CAME IN!!!.
• Crib is assembled and in place!

I know all of this may sound minor and like no big deal to most people - but to me, it's one step closer.  I don't have that cloud over my head of "what if I get the call and don't have a car seat?" or "where will the baby sleep if I have no crib or Pack N Play?"  Inch by inch, step by step, hour by hour and second by second we ARE getting closer to bringing our baby home. 

Now, we continue to play the waiting game...