A Beautiful Reminder

I was working on a blog post for this week about how I am struggling with emotions (again) but then things changed – my spirits were lightened. One minute I’m up and excited and the next I’m doubtful and worried.  It’s amazing how just a quick conversation can change your entire perspective on things!

I was walking through our front office at work this morning and spotted a man that works for one of our vendors.  As some of you may know, I spent several years working for our company in our purchasing department, so I still know several of the vendors and they will speak to me if they see me around.  This particular man, Jeff, had another gentleman with him that I have seen before in the office.  As I was walking through, Jeff spoke to me and I stopped to speak.

The last time they were in, my dad (who they were meeting with) went to lunch with them and found out that the other gentleman had adopted a daughter from China several years ago.  Any time someone mentions the word “adopt”, my ears perk up.  I immediately get interested.  I want to know more,  hear more, talk to them, etc.  Dad told me a little bit that he knew and of course, I was interested.

When I saw these gentlemen in the office today, I couldn’t remember for sure if this was the same guy that Dad had told me had adopted or not.  Jeff asked me about Dakota so, of course, I filled him in.  We talked for a little bit and something came up about the baby.  Dad then told me this was the gentleman that had adopted the little girl.  This guy asked if we were trying to adopt and we began talking in more detail.

We talked about their trip to China, how old their daughter was when they adopted her, and just various things about the adoption process.  I thoroughly enjoyed that conversation.  I love when I meet someone who has “been there” – whether it’s domestic or international – and feel like I have a bond with that person.

One of the most beautiful stories that this gentleman told me was about when his daughter was in preschool.  Her teachers had wanted her to bring something in about China and since it was Chinese New Year, she had taken some Chinese items into school.  A little boy in her class said, “Grace, I didn’t know you were from China!”  To you and I, it would be obvious – if we saw a kid that appeared to be Chinese with a set of white parents (or a black child with white parents), we would immediately make assumptions. But to this little boy, she wasn’t “Grace, the girl adopted from China.” She was “his friend, Grace.” Her ethnic features didn’t matter to him.  To me, that was beautiful.

When answering the race question for our adoption, we felt like we had to take into account how the people around us (our community, our family, etc.) felt….and that saddened me.  Why does it matter? Jon and I felt like we could take a child of any color, love it and give it a home.  However, we felt as though our community (and some family) might not be supportive.  The support didn’t matter so much – but being concerned with how they would treat him or her (and Dakota) because of it did matter to us. But as I said, that saddened me – and still does.

The reason this little boy’s response to “Grace” is so beautiful to me is that it shows us that kids don’t care – unless they’re taught to care.  Kids don’t automatically think “I can’t play with this person” because they’re different” or “I can play with her but she can’t be my girlfriend.”  They just see their friend.

I’ve heard of people who didn’t want their kids to date outside of their race or even have friends of a different race.  I’m so thankful that my dad taught me to be good to everyone and not judge others based on the color of their skin.   Actually, he taught me not to judge others.

I don’t want my children to look at someone and decide anything about that person based on the color of their skin or their ethnic features.  I want them to learn the person and decide whether or not to be friends with that person based on their personality and their attitude. I hope that I can teach them that while we may look different than some of our friends, it really doesn’t matter.  I may not be able to change the world, but hopefully, I can at least make an impression on one or two little minds.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

Stand Still

Today has been a hard day – I’ve been ill, in a bad mood, and just not happy.  Sometimes, I tend to borrow trouble.  I worry about things that I have no control over.  My worries aren't always directly related to the adoption, but with almost everything a thought crosses my mind of "how will this affect the adoption?" I'm so terrified that something will happen to wipe our bank account out or anything that could negatively affect the adoption.  Paranoid is probably a better word for it.

My newest worry has gotten to me and drug me down a bit.  My dad has reminded me - "Holly, just pray about it.  He's always provided for you before."  Mom told me, "Just pray about it."  I know they are right.  He has always provided for us.  When one door closes, either it doesn't shut too hard or another one opens right up.   Sometimes, I think Satan tries to block those memories from us and cloud them with worry.  What reason has God ever given me to think that He wouldn't work things out for us?

On the way home tonight, I was burdened.  All of sudden, this song came across my mind and I realized how well it fit the situation.  Anytime you're faced with a decision, its stressful.  If I choose the path to the left, something might happen later to make me regret it.  But if I choose the path to the right, I might regret that one as well. Do I take the path to the left, right or stay on my current path?  I think this song helped to ease my mind a bit:

Maybe that's my answer - I just need to stand still and wait on God to work things out for us.   My absolute favorite Bible verse is:

Delight theyself also in the Lord: and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. - Psalm 37:4

I need to try my absolute best to work for Him and delight in Him and He will take care of us.  I definitely have some moving up to do.  I hope this situation works out for the best and I hope our baby comes sooner rather than later but all I can do right now is work for Him and do good.  Then, stand still and let God move. But standing still is hard to do.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying...

Learning As I Go

Today is Valentine’s Day.  Two years ago today, we lost my father-in-law.  This man took a 2-year-old boy who wasn’t blood related to him and chose to raise him as his own.   Jon has been through a lot in his life, but the one person in his life that he would always take up for was his dad.  His dad would tell him he could do anything he wanted when others would tell him he wasn’t smart enough.  His dad was his source of encouragement.  I don’t even want to think about where Jon would be today or what kind of person he would’ve been had it not been for that man. We had just begun discussing adoption when he passed away and we never got to tell him about our plans to adopt.  I was thinking about that today and I wonder what his reaction would have been.   He might have encouraged us to be careful and make sure we knew what we were doing, but I think he would’ve been supportive of our decision. 

When we first began this journey, I really didn’t understand too much about adoption, although I thought I did. We were looking at it as a way to grow our family.  We thought we knew what was important and what wasn’t.  I will admit, though, I felt lost and inadequate completing some of the paperwork, like the Dear Birthmother letter – what do you say?

I’ve written before that for the first year on the waiting list, I didn’t do too much in the way of planning.  It never left my mind – don’t get me wrong - but it was something that I hoped would happen in the future.  After that first year passed, it became more real.

Over the past nine months, in addition to preparing the nursery, I also began reading more and learning more about the adoption process.  I’m not so much talking about the process itself, but more about birthmothers and the emotions surrounding the adoption process.  Even though I knew about some of the effects on adoptees from my husband’s experience, I had never really thought in too much depth about adoption from the birthmother’s perspective.

I think most people who have never been touched by private adoption have a stigma that they associate with birthmothers.  I think a lot of people assume birthmothers are all teenagers who are not ready to be parents.  I also think that a lot of people also have a negative impression of birthmothers and assume you should be constantly worried that she’ll try to “take the baby back” and that you should want as little contact as possible. I will admit that before we began this process, I probably had some of those same thoughts and it was all due to ignorance.

Sometime last year, I discovered a TV show called “I’m Having Their Baby.”  Some people didn’t like the name of the show.  I was less concerned with the title than the fact that this was a show about adoption – a subject that was, by that time, close to my heart.  To me, this show gave me a small glimpse into the lives of these women.  I saw teenage expectant moms but also an expectant mom in her 40s.  I saw girls who weren’t ready to be parents but also women who were already parenting children.  I saw some expectant moms who knew right away they wanted to make an adoption plan while others had trouble deciding.  Some ended up placing their children, others decided to parent.  While this show may not have been ideal and I’m sure had its flaws, I appreciated the fact that it gave me a different perspective on some of the reasons women choose to place and a look at some of the emotions related.

I have also had the benefit of finding a couple of forums for adoption and read posts by some birthmoms and adoptees.   It definitely gives you a different perspective. 

I know that there is a good chance that we may not know our child’s birthmother directly.  I can only hope that we have some information about her and the birthfather and that she wants to receive updates from us all along.  If she doesn’t, that’s fine – it’s her choice.   Most people that think they wouldn’t want any contact with her at all are only thinking about what would be best for them – they aren’t considering what she may need or what our child may need in the future.  I’m glad I’ve had the opportunity to read and watch some of these things.  Over time, my thoughts, opinions, and biases have changed regarding adoption and birthmothers.  I now better understand that this process is not only about what’s “best for Jon and Holly,” but it’s about making sure this child has what it needs (including emotional support related to his or her birthparents) and trying our best to help our child’s birthparents in any way that we can. 

Two years ago, I rarely thought about her – other than that she would hopefully choose us to parent her child.  Now, I think about her quite frequently.  I pray that not only does she make good decisions during her pregnancy, but that she also finds peace and comfort in her decision. She is choosing to give this child LIFE – doesn’t she at least deserve our prayers and support instead of judgment?

I started this blog as a way to write my own feelings down regarding our adoption (without plastering it in Facebook status updates).  After I started it, I realized it would also be a great way after the adoption is complete to go back and see where we came from.  As an added bonus, I hope that it may help some readers who have never been affected by adoption gain a new perspective on some of the stereotypes and biases and help them learn a little about the process.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

Q&A

I’ll start off by giving a quick health update: Dad’s cancer is GONE!  His PSA level was below the point that they measure!  Thank God for that!

We are still battling sickness around our home/family – I finally went to the health clinic and got antibiotics for what they think is chronic sinusitis, my mom is on antibiotics for a sinus infection, and Dakota is right now battling the flu and a double ear infection.  Ouch.  I’m hoping all of this Tamiflu and antibiotics will help us get well sooner rather than later! We’ve been sick long enough! Even with that, you can always look around and find someone with more troubles and trials so I am thankful we are as well as we are.

I decided that, for this post, I’d do some Q&A.  Some of these are questions that I have actually been asked or someone close to me has been asked.  Others are questions I imagine people want to ask and probably have asked before.

1)      Have you heard anything? Or what’s new?

a.       Nothing.  Well, we hear when there are forever families created, but that doesn’t tell us where we are on the list now.  We have no idea if we’re number 1, 5, or 15 on the list (we could guess, but we’d almost surely be wrong if we tried).  As much as we’ve told people we probably won’t know anything in advance, we still get this question over and over.   I know that most people are just excited for us and I’m glad that they’re interested. I have decided that I really need to start keeping a list of everyone that says “when it happens, make sure to let me know” so my parents can start calling/emailing!

2)      Do you know if it will be a boy or a girl?

a.       We also probably won’t know this ahead of time.  If we had another baby biologically, we wouldn’t choose the gender so we decided we were ok with not choosing this way either.  We have names picked out for both.  We picked out our girl name when we were expecting Dakota.  We picked out our boy name before the first bit of paperwork was completed.  We’ve changed the girl name a time or two but finally went back to our original pick.  The boy name has stayed the same since February 28, 2012.  I remember the day because that’s the day we met with our agency for the first time.  We picked out our boy name on the way to Birmingham.

3)      What if it has something wrong with it, like cerebral palsy?

a.       I used that example because someone asked that exact question (to someone close to me).  This one stunned me (and I think my temper even rose a little).  I mean, how do you ask a question like that?  What if we had another baby biologically and it had something wrong with it?  I think this is one of the most insensitive comments I have heard. We had to answer all kinds of questions about health related issues that we could accept but that is not anyone else’s business.   

4)      Aren’t you worried about genetics?

a.       Again, this one stunned me (and it was asked in the same conversation as #3).  Let’s see – between mine and Jon’s family history, we have a LOT of health issues in our bloodlines.  I’m sure most of us have something in our family history that worries us or concerns us.  Yes, I’m sure if we found out our child’s family has a history of some horrible disease, it will worry us, but do you actually think it would make us love our child any less?

5)      Aren’t you worried about the birthmother changing her mind?

a.       I’m not sure that any adoptive parent or prospective adoptive parent can honestly answer this with “no” until the adoption is final.  Of course there will be that worry – although, from what I understand, it’s not always as simple as “changing their mind” after the revocation period.

6)      She’s not going to know anything about you, right? Or wouldn’t you rather have a closed adoption?

a.       These types of questions are usually coming from people who are concerned, usually because they have heard some horror story.  In our case, our adoption will likely be semi-open, meaning she will know our first names and we’ll know her first name but no identifying information.  Would I prefer it to be a closed adoption? Absolutely not.  I love the fact that we may, if she chooses, have the opportunity to provide updates on our child. I love the fact that (if they both choose), our child may have to opportunity to find his or her birthparents someday.   I watched my husband long for the day he could see what his birth father looked like and through him, have understood the need that some kids have to know where they came from.  I fully intend to support our child if s/he ever decides to try to find his/her birthparents.

7)      Maybe you should just be thankful for the one you have.

a.       First, I know this isn’t really a question but please never say this to someone who is trying to make their family complete.  This implies that you think by wanting more than one child, it somehow means you aren’t thankful for the first one.  That is not true, is insulting, and just plain hurtful.    I am so thankful for Dakota – I’m thankful that he is healthy (as far as we know) and happy.  That does not take away my desire for another child though.  If you have more than one child, ask yourself this – did you love your first born any less because you had a second?  Did wanting more than one mean you weren’t thankful for your first born?

I don’t mind talking about our adoption process – at all.  I love talking about it, in fact.  Someone I work with asked me a while back about the process because she was considering trying to adopt herself.  I absolutely love talking about it to people who are genuinely interested.  If you have any questions about our process or how it works, please don’t be afraid to ask.

I truly believe we were chosen to go down this path and have learned to be thankful for that.  I do sometimes feel unworthy of this path because I think adoption is such a great thing.  I don’t look at it as second rate or second best – I think it’s wonderful! So please forgive me if I’m taken back a bit with questions and comments that indicate it is an unfavorable second choice.

Still waiting, hoping & praying. 

Guilt

Over the past five years, I have become more sensitive to certain topics.  One of the things that really bothers me is for people to complain about things that others dream about. While I have never suffered from infertility, I have been through such a bad late pregnancy experience that it made me terrified to even try to have another child biologically.  I can tell you from my experience (and from what I’ve read or learned about from women who suffered with infertility) that just seeing pregnant women is difficult enough.

For a while, I felt guilty.  If I saw a woman have a completely uncomplicated pregnancy, I would think “why couldn’t I?” If I saw a woman having her second or third child (and again, uncomplicated), I would think “why can they have as many children as they want without any issues but I can’t?”  If a teenager or young woman got pregnant accidentally, it was “seriously?”  And then, I’d feel guilty about feeling that way. I didn’t want to feel that way and I sure didn’t want to question God.  I should be happy for those people – they are growing their families.  I knew (or at least thought I knew) that the way I was feeling was very wrong. For a while, I didn’t want anyone to know about those emotions because, as I said, I felt guilty.

When I talked to a friend who was, at the time struggling with fertility issues, I found out she was having the same thoughts and struggles.  It gave me a little bit of reassurance that I was not alone and not completely crazy.

I think the moment that I realized that those feelings were OK came while reading a book.  Jody Cantrell Dyer wrote “The Eye of Adoption” about her own struggles with infertility after the birth of her first son and her adoption process.  In addition to her book, I’ve read enough posts from Jody (even one on my last blog post) to know that her goal was that other adoptive parents (or prospective adoptive parents) could find a friend in her.  She definitely succeeded in that.  She was very open about her feelings and emotions through her journey.  While reading her book, I began to understand that there was nothing wrong with the way I was feeling – it was actually normal.  It was so refreshing to read page after page and begin to understand that you are not alone in your emotional struggles and that those struggles are “normal.” (For the record, I HIGHLY recommend that anyone going through the adoption process, or who knows someone going through the process – hint, hint  – read “The Eye of Adoption.” It will give prospective adoptive parents reassurance and hope and it will allow others to better understand the emotional journey that their friend is going through.)

We can’t help the way we feel but somehow, we still seem to make ourselves feel like having those emotions means that we are a weaker person.  We make ourselves feel like we’re not good enough or have failed as a person, or as a Christian, because of these emotions. If you’re going through this process now or are having these emotions – please stop feeling guilty over them.  You can’t help how you feel and feeling guilty over emotions that you can’t control is not going to make it any better. 

I won’t say that I never have that feeling of “why not me?” anymore.  I can tell you, though, that realizing I’m not alone and that there is no reason to feel guilty over those feelings has made those things not bother me quite as much.  The guilt added so much more emotion to those feelings.

Another reason that I believe those things are not bothering me as much is that  I have become completely OK with the fact that our second child will be adopted.  It no longer feels like a “second choice.”  The more I read, research, and just think about the process, the more I fall in love with it.  It’s OK that our family will be different.  I’m OK with one child being biological and one being adopted – mostly because I know and truly believe that blood isn’t what makes a true family.  A family is a bond that isn’t created by blood, but rather by love.

To my friends who are expecting or will be in the future:  please remember when you’re complaining about your pregnancy side effects that there is likely someone out there reading your post or hearing you complain who wishes they were in your shoes. 

To my friends who have struggled with the emotions surrounding infertility or complicated pregnancies: please know that you’re not alone.  One thing that I have learned with this process is how great it is to have support.  Find a support group – a friend who is there with you completely, an online support group/forum, or even a book that lets you know you’re not alone.   And most of all, please don’t feel guilty for the thoughts and emotions that come along with this process. Guilt, especially guilt that stems from something you have no control over, only makes it worse.

Still waiting, hoping and praying…

True Friendship Through the Wait

“It’s like waiting for your water to break, isn’t it? Only you don’t know how far along you are.”

This is one of my favorite quotes I’ve seen related to the adoption process…and it came from my best friend.  She has never been through this process, but has been by my side.  She’s heard my fears, my worries, and my updates.  She’ll ask if I’ve gotten any more baby feet (our agency sends pictures of baby feet when a forever family has been created).  She encourages me, like when I worried that no one would “pick us” because we have a biological child.  She is there for me – more than anyone else other than Jon and my parents. I’m so thankful to have her in my life.

If you’ve ever been pregnant, you completely understand the normal process.  You find out you’re expecting – usually around 5-6 weeks- and get a due date.  At about 18-20 weeks, you can find out whether the baby will be a boy or girl.  You have ultrasounds to see the baby and have a pretty good idea of at least the month that the baby will be born. If you (unlike me) carried your baby at least close to term, you probably got to the point where you were just waiting for it to happen.  You knew once you reached a certain point, delivery was inevitable (even though it might not have felt like it).

Now, imagine finding out you’re expecting, but having no due date. No ultrasounds.  Nothing.  All you know is that you are expecting a baby at some point but you have no idea if you are 2 months along, 5 months along, or 9 months.  All you know is that (hopefully) you will have a baby at some point in the future.  That’s kind of how this is.  I’m waiting for “the call” (aka water to break) but have no idea when it will happen (how far along I am).

My friend followed up that quote with another that is full of encouragement: “The day before your life changes forever is just like any other day.”  This reminds me that even though I don’t know when or how much longer, the day before will be just like today.  I will likely be at work on a normal day thinking about what needs to be done either at work or home, maybe getting ready to plan our weekend or what day I will go get groceries and then suddenly one phone call could change it all.  One phone call could make our family of three become a family of four.

In the meantime, I’m thankful for my husband and my son, who I think will be an excellent big brother.  I’m thankful for the support of my parents.  I don’t know what I would do without them. Honestly,I would have guessed that my dad would’ve been the more excited one about the baby but, while he is excited, I think my mom is almost as anxious as I am.  I’m thankful for my church family - if you’ve never been in a church where the members feel more like family than acquaintances, I strongly encourage it.  I’m thankful for every time that God has sent me encouragement and strength. 

Finally, I’m thankful for my friend.  She has absolutely been my rock over the past year and a half.  I never realized how much I needed her until very recently.  Even when her first son was born, I didn’t think about it.  When she was getting ready to have her second son, I started worrying on the way to the hospital.  What if something happened to her? It was then that I realized how much I NEED her.  I am so thankful to have a true friend that I can talk to about pretty much anything – even when I’m in a selfish and emotional state – and not feel judged or told I shouldn’t feel that way.  So, to my friend, THANK YOU for everything and I love you!

Do I still worry about not being picked? Absolutely.

Do I still wonder when and if it’s going to happen? Of course.

But as we were reminded this week, God’s timing is not our timing. 

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

The Nursery!!!!!!!!!!

I am excited to say the nursery is finally complete! Well, for the most part anyway.  I'm not sure I will ever be completely done with it.  I'm sure I'll keep adding things and we need to get a few minor things (like Desitin, alcohol swabs, etc.) but most of it is done.  The changing table is special because Jon built it.  I love it.  It's high enough that it won't kill my back, its a little bit rustic looking, and it has plenty of storage. We need to do some touch-up staining behind the doors, but its mostly done.

Jon has always had a problem with self confidence and I think this piece of furniture has done wonders for him.  I told him I thought he could built it and guess what - he did!  I think it even amazes him at what he was able to do. I'm so proud of him.  It is pretty much exactly what I wanted.  Someone told him that he needed to add the rails to it - I didn't want them. The best part is that its completely homemade - I helped him stain and hold wood and I think Dakota even helped him once or twice.   Other than that, this is all Jon!

The inside storage of the changing table.  I've started putting stuff in it, but who knows if I'll move it around?

It's finally complete and I love it!

   



Looking in the nursery from the door.



From the other side of the room - The giraffe picture was taken last year during our trip to DisneyWorld (Kilaminjaro Safari).



Baby EJ, your room is pretty much ready now...we're just waiting on you.  Still waiting, hoping, and praying...