No News is Good News (Hopefully)

This won't be a very long post but I wanted to give a quick update since its been a while since I've written.

We have basically had absolutely no news for a few months now.  And guess what - I'm not completely a nervous wreck! Praise the Lord for calmness and peace!

We've had revival at our church this week and have had really good services over the past month or so.  It's amazing what a little spiritual reviving can do for you when your going through something like an adoption wait. My mind is no longer 100% focused on when we will get the call.  I still think about it quite often, but it's not at the forefront of my mind all the time.  And that helps tremendously.  I was about to drive myself crazy for a while.  Like I said, praise the Lord for peace!

It is so very true that God's timing is not our timing.  And that's because He sees the whole puzzle while we are just seeing piece by piece and what's already put together.  We can't see the end result so we don't always know what's best - but He can and He does.

Another benefit to having more peace about this is that it doesn't drive me crazy when people ask have we heard anything.  I can honestly say no and not get terribly discouraged about it.  They told us it could be 3 years and we are not there yet.  When the time comes for our baby to arrive, it will.  Until then, all we can do is keep waiting and try to focus on other things around us.

Still waiting, hoping and praying...

(Non)Update and a Beach Trip

Time for an update! Although can you really call it an update when you have nothing to update?

This has been one of the longest and most intense emotional roller coasters I’ve ever been on.  You have the peaks at the top of the hill, the very low valleys that sometimes feel like reach much faster than you reached the top, twists, turns, and even a few loopty loops.  It’s a real roller coaster only with your emotions.  Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good roller coaster.  However, it is much different when your body is making those peaks, valleys, twists, turns, and loops than when it’s your emotions.  Oh and two minutes is a little different than 2 years also. Give me the two minutes of throwing my body around a steel track anyday!

We did finally decide to get away as a family for a few days (and took my best friend's family along with us).  We took Memorial Day weekend and went to the beach.  LONG OVERDUE! I hadn’t been to the beach since a few weeks after I found out I was expecting Dakota.  This was Dakota’s first time to see the beach and feel sand and ocean water between his toes.  He loved it!

I’m including some pictures below of our trip.  Hope you enjoy!

As I said, this was Dakota's first time in the water.  He LOVED it! Please ignore my redneck husband's camo on in the water...

Dakota loved throwing the sand. 

This poor child has trouble taking pictures...He'll smile but before you can click the button to snap the picture, he'll look away.

If you look closely behind this picture, you'll see a fin.  It's a dolphin fin.  This place had more dolphins than I'd ever seen from a beach.  I had a blast watching them.

I just have to show this....me and my friend both looked like Casper out on the beach.  There were some bright white legs on that beach!

So before you judge me on the picture below, let me just say - I am no longer a fan of spray on sunscreen.  We were at the beach maybe 3 hours that morning.  I sprayed sunsreen on him before we left to go and once while we were there.   My poor baby got sunburned so badly on his back.  Needless to say, I went out that afternoon and bought him some suncreen lotion/cream and SLATHERED him in it the next day. 

Jon caught his first ocean fish from standing on the beach.  My little outdoorsmen was so happy!

On Sunday, we visited Fort Morgan.  It was cool for the boys to get to see a "REAL FORT!"

And of course, what trip is complete without go carts?  There's not too many go carts that little man is big enough to drive, but he had fun on this one!

Getting away was a good break for me.  It gave me a chance to clear my head a bit (at least for the weekend) and for a few days, every waking moment wasn't spent wondering when our baby would arrive.   This was definitely one of the most needed vacations I have ever taken.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying...

Reading My Story Through Someone Else

While reading another adoption blog today, I found a link to yet another blog and found this story: Jennifer's Story. I have read this story to each of my parents and sent it to Jon.  Why? Because the story itself is SO familiar. I've posted part of my story before, but this blog was SO familiar. I actually had forgotten about the back part until I read where she said that the only thing that gave her relief was her husband forcefully rubbing her back.  We remembered that I had my family almost beating on my back because that was the only thing that helped (and we were later told that was one of the worst things we could do).

My doctor and I both thought my issues were related to my gallbladder. It just made sense.  Never mind the BCBS nurse that told me my symptoms could be related to preeclampsia - my high-risk specialist doctor had to know more than her -right?

They never actually told me that I had HELLP syndrome - at least that I remember, but the rest of what they told me was almost identical (right down to no epidural/spinal, that my liver was causing the pains, etc.) to what they told the author of this story. This brings back so many memories of the single scariest night of my life.

I am so thankful that I had God on my side on December 4, 2008.  I am so glad for the wonderful labor and delivery nurses at the hospital where my beautiful 4 pounds, 6 ounce 17" long baby boy was born and for what I believe has to be one of the best NICU's in the South (OK - I don't have anything else to compare it to, but I loved our NICU).  And I am so thankful that God put us on a road so that I may not have to experience the fear of that (or worse) happening again.

You see, before we began this adoption journey, we talked about trying to have another baby biologically.  We weren't even really thinking about adoption.  I was so scared.  Every time we'd talk, I'd have fear that the same thing that happened with Dakota would happen again.  Once we made this decision that load left.  I have to remind myself of that sometimes because I still question everything. 

Someday it will happen (I hope)...I sure hope its someday soon.

Still waiting, hoping and praying...

Helping Each Other

Just over a year ago, our family was struck with the dreaded "c" word.  My dad found out he had an aggressive form of prostate cancer. Regardless of how treatable they say the disease is, when they tell someone you love that they have cancer, its scary.  The day we found out, we were so upset.  I tried to be strong for my mom but I remember coming home to get something and talking with my friend, Stephanie, and just feeling like I could finally talk about how scared I was. 

Shortly after hearing the news, our insurance agent had just so happened to ask how he was doing and I'd told her what we'd been told.  Before I got home that day, he had already gotten a phone call from her pastor.  He had been there.  He had just had surgery for prostate cancer.  He was able to help dad through his battle.

Today, on the way home from work, Dad called the man to check on him.  You see, a few months ago, this brother found out that his cancer had returned.  This time, this man had to have radiation.  Now, Dad was able to be there for him.  He can talk to him from a "been there, done that" stand point.  I started thinking of how weird (for lack of a better word) it was that the circle had come full force.  He was first able to be an ear for Dad and now Dad's able to be an ear for him.  I'm sure it has to help each of them to have someone who's actually been through it.

I remember about two weeks ago when I was so discouraged.  I sat in our church and looked around thinking "There is NO ONE who understands this.  Not a soul in this building has been there and can understand what I'm going through."  Jon said he did, and while I know he probably understood more than anyone there, he still couldn't understand it from a woman's standpoint (at least according to my mind).

Later that night, I was talking to him and told he what I had thought.  Among many other things, he reminded me that someday, some woman will go through this same exact thing and I (of all people) will be able to help her...those other people won't because they've never been there. I hope that is true, not because I want another woman to suffer, but I want to be able to help someone else.  If when its all said and done, my trials will allow me to offer just a small word of encouragement to another person, then it will be worth it.

I remember growing up, my mom would often remind me what a dear friend of ours would say: there is never a trial that you go through that someone else hasn't already been through.  Sometimes, we don't talk about our trials and heartaches for fear of what others would think, when in actuality, talking about that very trial might be just what they need to hear. I've come to realize lately that sometimes the very things that we don't want to talk about - maybe we're ashamed that we've had that trial or that fight - are the things that help others.  Maybe it lets them know they're not alone, that someone else has "been there." We don't help others by acting perfect all the time...we help others by admitting we're not perfect.  So know that through this journey or any journey, I'm not perfect...I've had emotions, a little bit (maybe more) jealously, and trials.  But I'm still standing.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying...

Praying for Rain

Last week and weekend were emotional for me.  For reasons that I won’t go into on here, it was difficult.  I went (within about 12 hours) from being excited and hopeful to being confused, hurt, and sad.  Sometimes, as much as you’re OK with your current circumstances, you still weep over what could have been.  Sometimes, as much as you try to have faith, it withers.

My husband has been strong for me throughout this wait.  He doesn’t say much about it without me bringing it up first (or at least didn’t for a while), but anytime I mention the fact that I am worrying or that my faith is lacking, he is always there to cheer me up and encourage me.  Last week, when I had my emotional meltdown, he was there for me.  My mom was also there for me.  Even when I completely deserved to have someone say “snap out of it” or “you’re making a mountain out of a molehill,” she didn’t.  Her words showed me that she understood I was hurting.  I’m so thankful to have my family supporting me.

Saturday, I bought the last two “must haves” that I thought needed before baby EJ arrives.  I needed (or wanted) to have a diaper bag ready.   I found a giraffe print diaper bag.  Of course that’s what I went with – have you seen the nursery? I also FINALLY decided on and bought some bottles.  Dr. Brown’s it is! I will probably think of things I need to get.  I still need to search through Dakota’s totes to see if I can find some burp clothes, which is one of the major things I need for my diaper bag. I’m sure I’ll think of other things, but I feel (mostly) prepared now.

On our way to church Sunday night, I mentioned to Jon that we might need to go ahead and get the car seat installed.  I’ve debated on whether to install it now or wait until we get the call.  Jon then reminded me of a story.  He didn’t have to tell me the whole story – I’d heard it before.  I may not get it word for word accurate, but I do want to share it with you.  I hope that someone else out there gets something good out of it as well.

Once upon a time, there was a land that was going through a major drought.  The people in the land needed rain and needed it badly.  Three men decided that they were going to go somewhere together and pray for rain.  They decided to meet at a certain time to do that.  When they met, one of the gentlemen was carrying an umbrella.  Of course, since it hadn’t rained in a while, the other two gentlemen wondered why in the world this man brought an umbrella during this drought.  The man’s reply was simple: “Aren’t we going to pray for rain?”

This story says so much about praying with faith.  If we are praying for something, shouldn’t we prepare for it to happen? If we are truly having faith, aren’t we expecting it? So, please don’t laugh if you see me in Walmart buying diapers or see us outside installing a car seat.  We are trying to have faith that our baby EJ will soon be home with his or her Mommy, Daddy, and big brother.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…

Still Waiting

Hello! I realize it has been almost a month since my last update.  I really haven’t had much to update.  Our agency has sent some more pictures of baby feet.  I really hope this means we are moving up on the list.  My emotions are still crazy.  I saw a picture this week taken of a family at the moment their baby was about to be placed into their arms.  I almost cried – maybe even did a little.  It was beautiful. The dad had a huge smile on his face and you could tell from the picture that the mom was absolutely beside herself with emotion.  Beautiful.

I’m so anxious for the day we get the call.  I’m so excited to see the look on my son’s face when he meets his new baby brother or sister for the first time.  I have “big brother” shirts hanging in his closet just waiting. I have three of them to be exact.  I’m so excited for the emotions that I know I’ll feel – I almost get teary eyed just thinking about it.  I’m excited to see Jon’s face.  I’m excited to get to experience my parents meeting the baby for the first time.

You see, although most of these things (other than Dakota’s part) have been experienced by our family once before, I didn’t truly get to enjoy them.  The first time I met Dakota, I was still so doped up on medication that I was barely myself.   I can’t even remember for sure if I actually got to see when my parents first met him (don't think I did) and I know I didn’t get to see when Jon first met him (other than pictures).  I’m so excited to get to actually experience these things that most mothers get to experience with their first child.

So other than anxiousness for the future and patiently (sometimes, impatiently) waiting, what else is new with us? Well, we added a couple of new family members last month.   Meet Hulk and Fiesty. 

 

Hulk has longer hair and looks a little more like a lab than Fiesty.  They are ½ lab, ¼ shepherd, and ¼ bulldog mix.  When we first brought them home, they were kind of like infants – slept a lot.  Now, they are more like toddlers – into everything.  Every day when we come home, they have managed to move their house and usually flip over their food bowl over (with food in it). 

We made their first visit to the vet on the Saturday after we brought them home – they were about 8 weeks old.  Hulk weighed about 13lbs and Fiesty about 11lbs.  We are supposed to take them back either this weekend or next.  They will be about 11 weeks old this weekend.  It will be interested to see how much they’ve gained over 3 or 4 weeks.  They seem to be growing super fast.  They will likely be big dogs, but I was the kid who wanted a Saint Bernard growing up, so I’m ok with big dogs.  

I had to include this picture.  I saw a posting on Facebook of a little girl holding her cat. The caption read: "Get a human they said.  It will be fun they said."  I think that caption could fit this picture.

Other than the puppies, there’s not too much new going on since the last post.  I’m afraid to plan too much.  I was even a little afraid to buy tickets to the circus, not knowing what would happen by then.  Well, I finally caved last night.  I bought tickets – for this Saturday night.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying...

A Beautiful Reminder

I was working on a blog post for this week about how I am struggling with emotions (again) but then things changed – my spirits were lightened. One minute I’m up and excited and the next I’m doubtful and worried.  It’s amazing how just a quick conversation can change your entire perspective on things!

I was walking through our front office at work this morning and spotted a man that works for one of our vendors.  As some of you may know, I spent several years working for our company in our purchasing department, so I still know several of the vendors and they will speak to me if they see me around.  This particular man, Jeff, had another gentleman with him that I have seen before in the office.  As I was walking through, Jeff spoke to me and I stopped to speak.

The last time they were in, my dad (who they were meeting with) went to lunch with them and found out that the other gentleman had adopted a daughter from China several years ago.  Any time someone mentions the word “adopt”, my ears perk up.  I immediately get interested.  I want to know more,  hear more, talk to them, etc.  Dad told me a little bit that he knew and of course, I was interested.

When I saw these gentlemen in the office today, I couldn’t remember for sure if this was the same guy that Dad had told me had adopted or not.  Jeff asked me about Dakota so, of course, I filled him in.  We talked for a little bit and something came up about the baby.  Dad then told me this was the gentleman that had adopted the little girl.  This guy asked if we were trying to adopt and we began talking in more detail.

We talked about their trip to China, how old their daughter was when they adopted her, and just various things about the adoption process.  I thoroughly enjoyed that conversation.  I love when I meet someone who has “been there” – whether it’s domestic or international – and feel like I have a bond with that person.

One of the most beautiful stories that this gentleman told me was about when his daughter was in preschool.  Her teachers had wanted her to bring something in about China and since it was Chinese New Year, she had taken some Chinese items into school.  A little boy in her class said, “Grace, I didn’t know you were from China!”  To you and I, it would be obvious – if we saw a kid that appeared to be Chinese with a set of white parents (or a black child with white parents), we would immediately make assumptions. But to this little boy, she wasn’t “Grace, the girl adopted from China.” She was “his friend, Grace.” Her ethnic features didn’t matter to him.  To me, that was beautiful.

When answering the race question for our adoption, we felt like we had to take into account how the people around us (our community, our family, etc.) felt….and that saddened me.  Why does it matter? Jon and I felt like we could take a child of any color, love it and give it a home.  However, we felt as though our community (and some family) might not be supportive.  The support didn’t matter so much – but being concerned with how they would treat him or her (and Dakota) because of it did matter to us. But as I said, that saddened me – and still does.

The reason this little boy’s response to “Grace” is so beautiful to me is that it shows us that kids don’t care – unless they’re taught to care.  Kids don’t automatically think “I can’t play with this person” because they’re different” or “I can play with her but she can’t be my girlfriend.”  They just see their friend.

I’ve heard of people who didn’t want their kids to date outside of their race or even have friends of a different race.  I’m so thankful that my dad taught me to be good to everyone and not judge others based on the color of their skin.   Actually, he taught me not to judge others.

I don’t want my children to look at someone and decide anything about that person based on the color of their skin or their ethnic features.  I want them to learn the person and decide whether or not to be friends with that person based on their personality and their attitude. I hope that I can teach them that while we may look different than some of our friends, it really doesn’t matter.  I may not be able to change the world, but hopefully, I can at least make an impression on one or two little minds.

Still waiting, hoping, and praying…